Some people think that having a set retirement age (e. g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement?
There are a lot of arguments about
this
theme, that retirement
Correct article usage
the retirement
age
of 65 years it's unfair for everyone
. Some jobs
should have exуptions,
because they are harder and deserve an earlier Remove the comma
apply
retirement
. I totally agree with this
statement, the
Correct article usage
apply
jobs
like firefighters, police, miners or doctors can be dangerous and too tiring for people
who work
in these jobs
and they should retire earlier.
The main reason why i
think, that some Change the capitalization
I
people
should retire earlier than others, that's the difficulty
of occupations. My uncle was a firefighter, he was very brave and helped everyone
. Now he is retire
at Change the verb form
is retiring
age
of 50Correct article usage
the age
,
because Remove the comma
apply
this
job too
hard for Add a missing verb
is too
body
and for Correct pronoun usage
his body
mental
health. You always should be Correct pronoun usage
his mental
stressful
and worry about Replace the word
stressed
Correct article usage
the lifes
lifes
of strange Correct your spelling
lives
people
. These days he can't sleep peacefully, because all he dreams about is fire, which means about his emotional strain. Same I can say about doctors, saving lifes
in the hospital is Correct your spelling
lives
also
hard, about
Correct word choice
and about
operations
I'm just Add a comma
operations,
in
Change preposition
apply
silence
. For some hours you must be fully concentrated on one thing and if you miss or do something wrong, all of it will be in your hands. It's Replace the word
silent
also
very mentally destroying yourselfs
. That's why the Correct your spelling
yourselves
yourself
retirement
age
should be earlier.
On the other hand
, we have really easy jobs
that you could work
on and
after 60 and much older Correct word choice
apply
and
if Correct word choice
apply
retirement
year changes. A lot of lazy Correct article usage
the retirement
people
will go home and have money. Because in our country, if you retire the country will pay some money. It's called pensia. And if no one will work
, the economics of our country will be destroyed.
We should change the year of retirement
, but not for everyone
, only for certain. I know that the most difficult work
in the world, it's minors. They works
in caves day and night, Change the verb form
work
no
rest. Their bodies are dying, by reasons of bad air, and a Change preposition
with no
lot
other aspects. If they do not retire quickly, they Add the preposition
lot of
wouldn't
be alive at 65.
In general, countries should change the Correct your spelling
won't
retirement
age
for jobs
that are mentally and physically difficult. But not everyone
, simple jobs
like sellers or people
that work
in the IT industry, can work
until 65 or older.Submitted by oleksandrrazancev64 on
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task achievement
Your essay successfully addresses the prompt, arguing that certain workers should retire earlier due to the demanding nature of their jobs. To strengthen your argument, consider elaborating on the variety of occupations that could benefit from early retirement and provide more specific details and examples.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, the logical flow between ideas can be improved. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Consider using transition words like 'furthermore', 'moreover', and 'consequently' to enhance cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Improve the coherence of your writing by expanding on each point and ensuring that each paragraph clearly links back to your main argument. Avoid fragmented ideas and ensure that your reasoning is fully developed and ties together cohesively.
coherence cohesion
Work on your sentence structure and grammar. Some sentences are fragmented or awkwardly phrased. Ensure that you proofread your essay to refine your sentences and reduce errors.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly sets the stage for your essay, presenting the main argument that certain professions deserve early retirement.
supported main points
You provide relevant examples that support your argument, particularly in the case of firefighters and doctors, which makes your points more compelling.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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