IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 1

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#people #retirement #age #e #g #years #everybody #occupation #workers #pension
Everybody should have a certain
age
 to retire regardless of their occupation. At the
age
65
Change preposition
of 65
show examples
,
body
Add an article
the body
show examples
 requires rest and relaxation. If an old person works at
this
 phase of life, it will be detrimental
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 his health.
Therefore
, it is important to give
body
Add an article
the body
show examples
 proper rest at
this
 time.
Moreover
, older adults after the
age
65
Change preposition
of 65
show examples
 cannot be able to give their best performances, and
therefore
, they should be replaced with the
young
Correct word choice
younger
show examples
 generation. It will
be served
Wrong verb form
serve
show examples
 as a balance in the job markets for the young adults, and young adults can easily enter the job markets, and employment problems
also
 can be minimized.
For example
, the average
age
 of retirement for people in the UK is 64, the young generation
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 happy with
this
 because they can get
place
Add an article
a place
show examples
 after their older counterparts
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
retired
Wrong verb form
retire
show examples
.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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task response
It's important to offer a balanced view on the topic. Although you have provided reasons for having a set retirement age, consider addressing the opposing viewpoint to show critical thinking and depth. This will enhance your task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the logical structure of your essay by adding an introduction and a conclusion. This will help in organizing your thoughts clearly and will improve coherence and cohesion.
task response
Support your points with more specific examples. For instance, you can mention occupations that might require earlier retirement due to physical strain. This would help in illustrating your arguments more effectively.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, create clear paragraph divisions for each main point. This helps in maintaining a logical flow throughout the essay.
task response
Avoid repeating the same ideas and make sure each paragraph introduces a new point or argument. This will help in presenting clear and comprehensive ideas.
content
The essay raises relevant points about the necessity of rest for older adults and the potential benefits to younger job seekers.
task response
The use of an example related to the UK provides real-world context, which strengthens the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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