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Band 4.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (eg. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or desagree ? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

#people #retirement #age #eg #years #everybody #occupation #workers #pension #desagree #benefit
Some people said that small size
businesses
 struggling to compete with
supermarkets
 which has been increasing at a very high pace resulting in the death of local
businesses
. I strongly disagreed with
this
 statement because
this
 comparison is not up to the
stauts
Correct your spelling
status
 and local
businesses
 serve the needs of the local community and play a vital role in the economy of the state.
To begin
 with,
supermarkets
 rapidly progressed in many
countries
 which are progressed in a short time. Before
this
trends
Fix the agreement mistake
trend
show examples
, people from many nations only rely on small
businesses
.
Moreover
,
due to
 shifting in numbers of population resulting in expansion of utilization. Individuals prefer to shop in big stores that have all the amenities under one roof in order to save time and cost of travel .
For Example
, in China from 2005 to 2020
trend
Fix the agreement mistake
trends
show examples
 have been shifting from small stores to
supermarkets
.
However
, In a recent survey
China
Change preposition
of China
show examples
 supermarket's growth in terms of count,
supermarkets
 exponentially rise by 10fold in comparison to 10 years earlier .
Thus
, it is said that trends have been shifting more towards superstores rather than small stores .
On the other hand
, Local business runs in many under-developed
countries
 in a smooth fashion. In some
countries
, local companies are only able to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 the needs of their surroundings because of limited resources and
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of funds .
For Example
, In Pakistan, small
businesses
 are very popular
among
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the nation.
Additionally
,
according to
 the report issued by the IMF (International Monetary Fund)
last
 year, 45% of
Pakistani
Correct article usage
the Pakistani
show examples
 economy relies on small
companies
Change noun form
companies'
company's
show examples
 revenue.
Hence
, these tiny business plays a vital role in the development of
this
 country. To summarize, there is no comparison between the local
businesses
 in underdeveloped
countries
 and
supermarkets
 in developed
countries
. Both fulfil the needs of the nations and play in economies.
Submitted by muhammadahtsham457 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay needs a clearer and more consistent structure. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and flows logically from one to the next.
coherence cohesion
Focus on clearly defining your main argument in the introduction and ensure it is reflected and addressed throughout the essay.
task achievement
Some points need further explanation and support. Make sure your arguments are fully developed and backed by relevant examples.
task achievement
Avoid vague language and be specific in your statements. This will help improve the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas.
task achievement
You have included relevant examples which help support your arguments.
task achievement
Your essay attempts to address the prompt fully by discussing both the impact on small businesses and the role of supermarkets.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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