IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
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The high level of
sugar
Use synonyms
 problem is being followed from our ancestor's time.
However
Linking Words
, today's generation is most likely having
sugar
Use synonyms
 problems because of the
highly
Change the word
high
show examples
 fast food
consumption
Use synonyms
. I disagree with the statement that
ugar
Correct your spelling
sugar
war
 is
necessary
Add an article
a necessary
show examples
 ingredient in our daily life
consumption
Use synonyms
, making
sugar
Use synonyms
 expensive is not the solution.
In addition
Linking Words
, government the can take action against the company, which
produce
Correct subject-verb agreement
produces
show examples
 highly sugary drinks or meals. Commencing with the most prominent reason,
sugar
Use synonyms
 is consumed in our daily life food ingredients, making essential things expensive can cause inflation.
Linking Words
Although
Correct word choice
However
show examples
, raising
sugar
Use synonyms
 prices can lead to
consumption
Use synonyms
 where necessary.The raised price will maintain a balance on
individuals
Change noun form
individuals'
individual's
show examples
 health.
For instance
Linking Words
, take action against those who manufacture
contain
Verb problem
apply
show examples
sugary items
for example
Linking Words
, in recent times, A YouTuber named "Dhruv Rathea" from India, launched a video against a juice firm which was containing Ultimate chemicals with high levels of
sugar
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, after that viral video state government took action and warned firm owners to reduce chemical
consumption
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, increasing the prices, and taxes could not be the solution to revoke
consumption
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.
However
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, increasing the prices can encourage smugglers to smuggle sweets and sell them on the black market In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 at
first,
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 solution seems reasonable
due to
Linking Words
 helping individuals healthier lives and make new habits about diet. if you observe deeper, you will find out there is no food available in the market which prevents
Sugar
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by tushalk329 on

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task achievement
Work on providing clearer and more comprehensive ideas to support your viewpoint. This can be done by expanding on specific points and explaining their relevance in more depth.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical structure by ensuring that each paragraph has a clear main idea and directly relates to the topic. Transitions between paragraphs should also be smoother.
coherence cohesion
You have included an introduction and a conclusion, which helps in structuring the essay.
task achievement
The example of the YouTuber Dhruv Rathee is relevant and helps support your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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