IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think that the government should provide free and universal health care for all citizens. Others think that health care is a personal responsibility and people should pay for their own medical expenses. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #government #health #care #citizens #responsibility #expenses
Human
health
 is the worthiest wealth in the world and it is important to take
care
 of it.
While
, some believe that
health
care
 and treatments should be provided freely
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
 by authorities, others hold an opinion that
such
issue
Correct article usage
an issue
show examples
 is
ones’
Change noun form
one’s
show examples
 own duty and they have to manage their budget for their medicines costs and emergency circumstances. I agree with the first group and both perspectives will be argued in the following paragraphs. As it is mentioned above, many claim that people are responsible for their
health
care
 charges and they have to pay for items
such
 as blood
test
Fix the agreement mistake
tests
show examples
, doctor appointments and surgeries. They believe,
humans
Correct word choice
that humans
show examples
born
Add a missing verb
are born
show examples
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 healthy bodies and it is their choice if they want to take
care
 of it or ruin it with destructive lifestyles;
For instance
, if an individual
decide
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decides
show examples
 to be an excessive junk
foods
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food
show examples
 consumer, that person will suffer from obesity and blood pressure in future. In
this
 way, he or she has to face detrimental impacts of his or her decision
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and has to pay for tablets and cures. Others and I,
in contrast
, opine that significant amounts of money should be dedicated to
medical
Add an article
the medical
show examples
 field by governments for some reasons.
First,
many children
born
Add a missing verb
are born
show examples
 with physical disabilities and their parents are not able to devote vast
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of money
for
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to
show examples
 treating babies’ ailments.
Second,
some
be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 diagnosed with incurable illnesses like cancer or leukaemia, and they cannot handle the expenses for alleviating their pain so they will suffer for a life.
Third,
some diseases
such
 as viruses are epidemic and it will be
life-threating
Correct your spelling
life-threatening
 for societies; if free treatments
will
Verb problem
are
show examples
 not
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
available, all the people on the Earth will be hurt. In brief, there are two viewpoints: from one perspective, people should manage their medical expenses themselves; from another, governments should provide
health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
care
 facilities at no
costs
Fix the agreement mistake
cost
show examples
. I agree with the second group and in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 authorities are in
charged
Change the form of the verb
charge
show examples
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
countries
Change noun form
countries'
country's
show examples
health
 conditions.
Submitted by shaghayegh95shadman on

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task achievement
To improve task response, ensure all arguments are backed by specific examples. Try to draw on real-life scenarios or well-known statistics to make your points more concrete.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, work on using transitional phrases and connectors more effectively. This will make the flow of the essay smoother and the logical progression of ideas clearer.
overall
Avoid minor grammatical mistakes and awkward phrasing. Proofread your essay carefully to polish it further.
overall
The introduction is effective and clearly outlines the topic and your stance.
task achievement
The essay presents a well-balanced discussion of both views and provides a clear opinion.
coherence cohesion
Main points are supported logically and the essay follows a structured approach.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the discussion and restates your position.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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