IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved?

#people #risk #health #reason #growth #society
Nowadays,
people
 are becoming excessive consumers of fast
foods
 and ready meals;
this
 unhealthy lifestyle causes obesity, and many humans are suffering from health issues more than before. The reasons and solutions for
this
 problem will be given in the following paragraphs. As
it is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
mentioned above,
people
, especially those who are living in megacities, are being diagnosed with illnesses
such
 as
blood
Correct word choice
high blood
show examples
 pressure and high cholesterol
due to
 their fatness. The number of these health problems
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 growing day by day for some reasons;
first,
because of the toxic commercials societies are losing their healthy appetite; nourishing meals and organic
foods
 are replaced by processed
foods
 so the needed nutrition and
vitamin
Fix the agreement mistake
vitamins
show examples
 will not be obtained by
body
Correct article usage
the body
show examples
.
Second,
daily training is deleted
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
people
’s daily life since they are working in a
full time
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
, and they are sitting on their
chair
Fix the agreement mistake
chairs
show examples
 all day;
this
 action and immovability make them obese. There is a list of solutions for dealing with fatness;
first,
the advertisements which
contains
Change the verb form
contain
show examples
 junk
foods
 that have food additives should be blocked by authorities, and
instead
Add a comma
instead,
show examples
 they have to motivate
people
 to have
fresh
Change the adjective
freshly
show examples
 produced and homemade meals.
Second,
people
 should take regular vigorous exercises and balance their diets; in
this
 way, they can control their weight.
Third,
checkup tests like thyroid function and diabetes should be done every year freely, and government have to dedicate a budget for
such
item
Fix the agreement mistake
items
show examples
. In brief, the number of
people
 who are diagnosed with incurable illnesses is rising
due to
 their unhealthy
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
, and
impacts
Correct article usage
the impacts
show examples
 of damaging promotions. Some actions
such
 as following fitness programs and annual health consults have to be done to mitigate the number of ailments.
Submitted by shaghayegh95shadman on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Provide more specific examples to support your main points. This will strengthen your arguments and give a clearer picture of the issues discussed.
coherence and cohesion
Work on refining sentence structures and word choices to make your points more compelling and easier to understand.
task response
You have addressed both parts of the question clearly, identifying reasons for the rise in obesity and suggesting viable solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The use of paragraphs helps to organize your ideas well.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • sedentary
  • caloric intake
  • genetics
  • nutritional awareness
  • processed foods
  • fast food
  • lifestyle diseases
  • preventative measures
  • tax incentives
  • urban planning
  • community gardens
  • wellness initiatives
  • dietary guidelines
  • physical fitness
  • calorie-dense
  • portion control
  • metabolic rate
  • health literacy
  • food deserts
  • work-life balance
  • junk food
  • BMI (Body Mass Index)
  • non-communicable diseases
  • food labeling
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!