The chart below shows the amount of time that 10 to 15-year-olds spend chatting on the internet and playing on games consoles on an average school day in UK.

The chart below shows the amount of time that 10 to 15-year-olds spend chatting on the internet and playing on games consoles on an average school day in UK.
The
chart
provides details about the average amount
time
Change preposition
of time
show examples
British teens spend chatting and playing
games
on a workday. A close look at the
chart
reveals that
boys
spend slightly less
time
chatting on the internet with about only 30 per cent of them spending more than an hour daily chatting and an
overall
of about 55 per cent of them chatting on a daily basis.
Girls
,
on the other hand
, enjoy chatting daily more with about 40 of them out of a 100 that spend more than an hour chatting. When it comes to playing console
games
, the
chart
illustrates a great gap between
boys
and
girls
with
boys
having the lead. Close to 9 out
10
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of 10
show examples
,
boys
play video
games
on school days, a number which differs greatly
to
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from
show examples
that of the
girls
with only bearly more
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
half of them playing. The distinction does not end there for the
chart
shows, on average, not only more
boys
spend
time
playing, but they spend more
time
doing so.
Games
take up more than an hour in more than two-thirds of
boys
Change noun form
boys'
boy's
show examples
lives.
Girls
,
however
, spend much less
time
playing. In general, about 70 per cent of UK teens play
games
on school days.
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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words chart, time, games, boys, girls with synonyms.
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "amount" in your introduction.
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 4 times.
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 5 times.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • adolescents
  • chatting online
  • games consoles
  • average school day
  • time allocation
  • social interaction
  • gaming habits
  • internet usage
  • preference
  • daily patterns
  • peak times
  • weekdays
  • weekends
  • gender differences
  • trends
  • implications
  • social skills
  • physical health
  • academic performance
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