IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some pepole say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will learn basic lessons about work and becom disciplined. Others argue that teenagers should not sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work . Discusee both views and give your opinion.

#pepole #teenagers #work #money #lessons #becom #sacrifice #rest #activities #discusee
Some people see that
teenagers
 should find a
job
 opportunity and gain financial returns after finishing school.
In addition
, they will acquire life
skills
 and experiences. Others
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 think that they have free time in their lives to work in the future.
Therefore
, they should spend their free time with interesting activities with their friends. From my point of view, I see that students in advanced stages of their lives should get new
skills
 and competencies through working.
Firstly
, there are a lot of graduates from universities who seek a
job
 opportunity after finishing university
period
.
Additionally
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that it is mandatory for
teenagers
 to find a
job
 opportunity
besides
 their studies which
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
 them with needed
skills
 in the work market
such
 as life
skills
, time management, self-reliance, responsibility and teamwork.
Hence
, acquiring the mentioned
skills
 and efficiencies
represnts
Correct your spelling
represents
represent
 a credit for students and they will get a privilege between candidates
during
Change preposition
while
show examples
 seeking a
job
.
On the other hand
, some people argue that
teenagers
 should enjoy
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their lives during the study
period
 through various activities.
Moreover
, parents should give a space for their children to
make
Verb problem
do
show examples
 joyful activities
such
 as going out with their friends, travelling to various countries, and sharing them with social events. So,
this
 is the most effective and productive way to increase self-confidence and responsibility in
teenagers
' spirits which positively affects their studies grades.
To sum up
, some people argue that
teenagers
 should work during
study
Add an article
the study
show examples
period
 which provides them with hard
skills
such
 as discipline, and working under pressure.
However
, others think that
teenagers
 should spend adolescence
period
 with delightful manners
such
 as going out with their friends and travelling to several cities.
Submitted by asem.fraig on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that your main points are supported with specific examples and details. This can make your argument more compelling and clear.
coherence cohesion
Work on organizing your ideas more logically. This can improve the flow of your essay and make it easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and present, which helps frame your essay effectively.
task achievement
You have articulated your main ideas quite clearly, making it easier for the reader to understand your stance.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: