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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think they have the right to use as much water as they want. Others, however, believe that the government should control the use of fresh water as it is a limited resource. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #right #water #government #control #resource
The discussions
Correct article usage
Discussions
show examples
 about whether
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should increase regulation of
water
use
 have become increasingly common in recent years. Some
people
 think that how much they
use
 is their authority, but I am more agree with the view that
government
 should have more
control
about
Change preposition
over
show examples
water
use
. Those who believe that
water
resources
 can be used in any quantity view that it is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 basic right. Controlling
water
 consumption is against individual volition and freedom.
Water
 is an essential and irreplaceable resource for
people
’s lives, and
such
 behaviour can limit daily choices,
while
 some
people
 can be forced to reduce their quality of life
as a result
. In the macro situation, it can be seen that most
people
’s daily
water
 consumption is a small part of the
overall
water
 consumption
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
they don’t need to conserve
water
.
For instance
, it was reported in the news that a golf court consumes as much as millions of
people
 in a year.
However
, I think that
government
control
 is extremely needed as the
water
resources
 are limited.
Water
 is plentiful but the available
water
 is rare.
Although
 the earth is surrounded by
ocean
Correct article usage
the ocean
show examples
,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
salt
water
 cannot be put directly into production or life activities, which needs to be pure at a very high expense. What we
use
 is fresh
water
, usually originating from lakes and rivers, both of
them
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 are very rare.
In addition
,
water
resources
 are not identical, the northwest region in China is relatively short of
water
resources
, and the
water
 saved under
government
control
 can be used by
people
 in the northwest. In conclusion,
although
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
water
use
 is
individual
Add an article
an individual
show examples
 right, I believe that
government
control
limited
Change preposition
of limited
show examples
resource
Fix the agreement mistake
resources
show examples
 allows daily
water
use
 in all areas and reduces the national financial expense.
Submitted by fiasngs on

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task achievement
Consider adding more specific examples or statistics to support your points. This can help strengthen your argument and make it more convincing.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your ideas flow smoothly from one to the next and that the relationship between them is clear. This will enhance readability and make your argument more cohesive.
coherence and cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion.
task achievement
The ideas are comprehensive and cover both perspectives on water usage. The essay presents a balanced discussion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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