IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Write about the following topic: The gender gap in employment and leadership roles is a contentious issue. Discuss the reasons for this gap and potential solutions. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

#topic #gender #gap #employment #leadership #roles
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Nowadays, a number of workplaces are changing to accept more
diversities
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diversity
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,
however
, the gender difference would affect
to
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apply
show examples
employment and promotion in some places and it has been a
chronical
Correct your spelling
chronic
chronicle
 problem.
This
 essay will explain the causes of the situation and suggest
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
solutions.
Firstly
, one of the reasons for the issue is that many
women
 tend to choose to have a baby(or babies) and they have to take some time off from
work
. Having those leaves is
being
Verb problem
becoming
show examples
 more common for both
women
 and men, though some workplaces are not happy about it.
For example
, Japanese
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
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 could sometimes be extremely old-fashioned. I have a male friend who was denied his maternity leave request as he is a male parent.
Secondly
, the society system is not always suitable for
women
 to
pursuit
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pursue
show examples
 their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 in their lives. Of course, every nation has
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 own system, though some countries do not encourage
women
 to commit to their
work
.
For instance
, some Middle Eastern nations have a massive gender gap in terms of choosing their careers. In
this
 globalized world, some people from one of those places could possibly face
on
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apply
show examples
the
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apply
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difficulties even if they get out
from
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of
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 their home countries. In my opinion, increasing the opportunities of choosing
work
Correct article usage
a work
show examples
 style,
such
 as remote
work
, could be one of the solutions.
Also
, setting up
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 environment suitable for
women
 to have babies
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
Correct article usage
a society
show examples
society
Replace the word
societal
show examples
 level is the key to
approach
Wrong verb form
approaching
show examples
 those challenges.
In
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At
show examples
 certain
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
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 of period, some
women
 are not physically capable
to commit
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of committing
show examples
 to
work
, even though they would like to build their careers and be leaders, so the supporting system for them to choose the styles of
work
 would be efficient.
As well as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 changing the construction of the
work
 environment is important.
Submitted by kanchanakularathna1991 on

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coherence cohesion
Try to avoid repetitive phrasing, such as 'one of the reasons' and 'another reason'. Use varied sentence structures to improve readability.
introduction conclusion present
A stronger conclusion can be achieved by summarizing the key points made in the essay and linking them back to the initial discussion on the gender gap.
supported main points
Further elaborate on examples to provide more concrete support for your points. Specific numbers, studies, or more detailed anecdotes could strengthen your arguments.
logical structure
Clearly define and separate each main idea to enhance logical flow. Consider using transitional phrases to guide the reader through your arguments.
clear comprehensive ideas
Ensuring clarity in each paragraph is important. Focus on refining the explanations and making sure each point aligns with your main argument.
introduction conclusion present
Good introduction that sets the context of the essay and provides insight into the discussion.
logical structure
The essay is structured with clear paragraphs for different points, aiding readability.
relevant specific examples
Use of personal anecdotes and real-world examples helps to make your points more relatable and credible.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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