IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think the increasing use of technology in the workplace is good for young people's prospects of gaining a job and harder for old people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #technology #workplace #prospects #job
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In today's fast-paced world, new
technology
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 can efficiently do a lot of things.
While
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 some
people
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 will
use
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technology
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 in the
workplace
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that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is good for young
people
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's
prospects
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 of gaining a
job
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 but harder for old
people
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, some
people
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 argue that, and I
apply
Verb problem
apply
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totally agree with that.
This
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 essay will discuss why I agree the increasing
use
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 of
technology
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 in the
workplace
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 is good for young
people
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's
prospects
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 of gaining a
job
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. One reason to agree is that young
people
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, having grown up with modern
technology
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, are often more adept at using new tools and can more easily adapt to rapid technological changes in the
workplace
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.
For example
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, many
software
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 and websites show up after the 2000s,
also
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that is
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 the time many young
people
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 started to
use
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 computers and other
technology
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. When young
people
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 can more easily adapt to rapid technological changes in the
workplace
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, they can have more
prospects
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 of gaining a
job
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.
Therefore
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, It is important that old
people
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 need to get used to new tools.
Moreover
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, many
job
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 roles today require proficiency in specific
software
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 and digital platforms which younger employees are more likely to be familiar with, thereby giving them an advantage.
For instance
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, many young
people
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 start
useing
Correct your spelling
using
 office
software
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 like: Word, PowerPoint and Excel when they are studying at university, and many course assignments need to
use
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 those
software
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, after
that
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
also
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 need to
use
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 the same
software
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 in the
workplace
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, and it is an advantage for young
people
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. As
such
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, young
people
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 will have more time to adapt
new
Change preposition
to new
show examples
 tools and modern
technology
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,
also
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 in college young
people
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 can practice the skill of specific
software
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 more than old
people
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. In conclusion, young
people
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 have more innate advantages than old
people
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,
such
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 as regular training and growing up with modern
technology
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 giving them a lot of advantages. Those reasons are why I agree the increasing
use
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 of
technology
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 in the
workplace
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 is good for young
people
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's
prospects
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 of gaining a
job
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. Ultimately, I think old
people
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 can be more live and learn in order to decrease the advantage gap between old
people
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 and young
people
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.
Submitted by hibana2077 on

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language
Try to eliminate minor errors in grammar and word usage. For instance, instead of 'apply totally agree,' use 'completely agree.' This will make your essay more polished.
task response
Make sure to clearly articulate the opposing viewpoint as well. While you have focused on why you agree, briefly touching on the counterargument could make your essay more balanced and comprehensive.
coherence
Work on improving the logical flow of your essay. For instance, sentences and paragraphs should transition smoothly from one to the next to improve coherence. Using transition words like 'Furthermore' and 'Additionally' can help improve the flow.
task response
Your essay clearly presents a standpoint and provides reasons for your agreement, which helps in supporting your main points well.
structure
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which are essential components of a well-structured essay.
examples
Specific examples such as the use of Word, PowerPoint, and Excel among young people add strength to your arguments.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • proficiency
  • adept
  • digital platforms
  • technological advancements
  • training and development programs
  • workplace diversity
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • perspectives
  • problem-solving
What to do next:
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