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Band 5

the growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in town adn cities closing . do you agree or disagree ?

#growth #shops #town #adn #cities
Some individuals are of the opinion that with the rapid increase in online shopping, all physical stores in suburban and urban areas
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 soon go extinct. I firmly disagree because not everyone can patronize e-commerce
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
, especially
people
 who are not tech-savvy, and there is the risk of breach of privacy and online theft. First and foremost,
people
 will always patronize shops in town and rural areas, especially elderly individuals who are not tech-inclined and cannot access the internet.
For example
, not all older
generation
Fix the agreement mistake
generations
show examples
 know how to turn on their internet devices;
on the other hand
, many older parents do have mobile phones that can access the internet.
Therefore
, there is a huge barrier gap that may not be closed anytime soon.
Furthermore
, the breach of privacy and online theft has made many persons reluctant to use websites to shop.
This
 is because shoppers are scared of the rapidly growing rate of scam pages disguised as real businesses that scam
people
 of their hard-earned money.
In addition
, the online banking system has been exposed to threats from hackers, who now use
people
's personal details to gain access to their bank applications and withdraw huge sums of money.
Moreover
, the fear of Customers' ATM cards being compromised
while
 trying to pay for purchased goods via POS is another issue of great concern.
On the other hand
, E-commerce
platform
Fix the agreement mistake
platforms
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has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 created an opportunity for
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
 to operate economically, effectively, and efficiently. The growth of online shopping recently,
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 led businesses to open more virtual stores
in
Change preposition
on
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 their websites, as it is lucrative.
Thus
, leading to an increase in the closure of outlets but not all.
Furthermore
, it has enabled them to reach a wider community by overcoming many challenges with ease. For
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
instance, with the expansion of online shopping, businesses are now able to sell their products to a large market without investing in outlets, which allows them to operate more efficiently and economically In conclusion,
while
 the increase in online shopping is a great win for society in terms of technological advancement, I believe it
also
 exposes online buyers to a lot of financial risks, which would not encourage many
people
 to switch completely to purchasing online.
Submitted by m.bunmifausat on

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task achievement
Your argument is clear, but ensure you fully explain your points and support them with specific examples. This will make your ideas more persuasive and the essay more robust.
coherence cohesion
Try to improve the logical structure of your paragraphs. For instance, your second main point about breach of privacy and online theft could be made more distinct from the first point to enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
You have a strong introduction and conclusion, which help to effectively frame and summarize your argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt comprehensively and presents nuanced views on why physical stores will not become extinct.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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