IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

some people think that having a set retirement age of 65 for everybody, regardless ocupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retaired and receive a pension at an earlier age do you agree or disagree

#people #retirement #age #everybody #ocupation #workers #pension
It is thought by some that having a fixed
age
 of
retirement
 at 65 years old for everyone in relationship with
their's
Change noun form
their
show examples
 occupations,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is not fair. They think that some kind of
professions
Fix the agreement mistake
profession
show examples
 should deserve to retire and obtain a pension at
sooner
Fix the agreement mistake
a later
show examples
 stage. I totally agree with
this
 statement and I will argue the reasons in the ensuing paragraphs.
Firstly
, it is a common belief that not all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
occupations are the same, and some of them
requiere
Correct your spelling
require
 more physical effort.
Hence
, workers who
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 worked
under
Change preposition
in
show examples
 situations where their bodies are
commited
Correct your spelling
committed
 to
high intensity
Add a hyphen
high-intensity
show examples
activities
 and where they
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 been
expoused
Correct your spelling
exposed
 themselves to dangerous materials or chemicals,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
deserve an earlier
retirement
 and be able to access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their pensions.
For instance
, a person who has been working in construction their entire life
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 probably is physically more tired than people who did office work.
Moreover
, I would say that
retirement
age
 should be
clasified
Correct your spelling
classified
 by the kind of
activities
ejecuted troughtout
Correct your spelling
executed throughout
 life, and not as a fixed
aged
Replace the word
age
show examples
.
Becuase
Correct your spelling
Because
 every individual is different and
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not have the same
requirement
Fix the agreement mistake
requirements
show examples
.
Secondly
,
retiremnt
Correct your spelling
retirement
age
 should be a benefit that any individual could opt to take when they want.
For instance
,
pension
Correct article usage
a pension
show examples
 should work as a
saving
Fix the agreement mistake
savings
show examples
 account that you have access
whenever
Change preposition
to whenever
show examples
 you need,
in contrast
 with the current system
impossed
Correct your spelling
imposed
 by governments that
indicate
Correct subject-verb agreement
indicates
show examples
 a specific
age
 for everybody.
Moreover
, many
activities
 are
exposures
Fix the agreement mistake
exposure
show examples
 to
hardous
Correct your spelling
hazardous
 chemicals that lead to cancer and other diseases if you do not retire at an early stage. So it is key to prevent
this
 kind of health
problems
Fix the agreement mistake
problem
show examples
 by implementing new laws to regulate the
age
 of
retirement
 for those who work in
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 areas.
To sum up
, I totally agree that some
ocupations
Correct your spelling
occupations
 require an earlier
age
 of
retirement
, not only because of the
physicall
Correct your spelling
physical
 effort but
also
due to
 the time that humans in these
activities
 are
expoused
Correct your spelling
exposed
 to hazardous chemicals or dangerous materials.
Submitted by jimeilaria on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

lexical resource
Try to use more precise vocabulary and avoid repeated phrases to enhance your lexical resource.
grammatical accuracy
Focus on making fewer grammatical errors, especially with the use of tenses and subject-verb agreement.
relevant specific examples
Provide more diverse and specific examples to support your main points; this will strengthen your arguments.
introduction clarity
The introduction is clear and outlines your position effectively.
logical structure
Paragraphs are logically structured and flow well from one idea to the next.
task response
You have successfully addressed the task and presented a balanced argument
What to do next:
Look at other essays: