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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that video games are advantageous, while others believe video games are harmful to the people who play them. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #video #games
In the contemporary epoch, some individuals believe that virtual
games
 have several benefits;
in contrast
, other
people
 argue that these types of
games
 have many drawbacks for the
people
 who employ them. On the one hand, from some
people
's viewpoints, these highlighted
games
 have many advantages. First of all, they think the mentioned
games
 activate the specific parts of
Correct article usage
the brains
show examples
brains
Fix the agreement mistake
brain
show examples
 that have positive effects on
people
's intellect. For a prime example, whenever
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 struggle with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
strategic video
games
, they need to utilize their intelligence in the best way to win these
games
.
In addition
, recent studies have shown the more use
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the brain, the more
significance
Replace the word
significant
show examples
 performance it has.
Hence
, by considering the highlighted reasons, playing these types of
games
 leads to the enhancement of our
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
.
On the other hand
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other individuals have different standpoints about
this
 issue, and they think these
games
 have a lot of downsides.
Due to
 having many violent scenes in these
games
, they believe these
games
 affect humans's
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 and are prone to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bullying and harassment in them, especially in the youth.
Moreover
, not only do not
people
 experience the punishments after committing the wrongdoers, but they
also
 reach
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 next level as the incentive of these criminal activities.
Thus
,
this
 wrong trend creates
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 violent spirit
that is
 detrimental
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the members of society.
Furthermore
, these types of
games
 can cause the sedentary lifestyles of a few million
people
 worldwide.
Overall
, playing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
video
games
 has both positive and negative aspects.
However
, irrespective of some advantages of these
games
, in my opinion, the disadvantages of them outweigh the benefits of them.
Submitted by speher2000behroozifar on

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task achievement
Work on developing your ideas more fully and provide more relevant examples to substantiate your points. This will help make your arguments more persuasive and clear.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing to increase the clarity and readability of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which makes it easy to follow.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both views of the topic and provides a clear opinion, which shows an understanding of the task requirements.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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