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Band 4

Some people thnk that men and women have different qualities, therefore certain jobs are suitable for men and others for women. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #thnk #men #women #qualities #jobs
Some
people
 believe that men's
jobs
 are different from
women
's
jobs
,and vice versa. They
also
 believe that the reason behind
this
 is their different qualities. But some
people
 strongly disagree with
this
 point of view.
However
,I will be discussing both views.
People
 who support the idea see that the way men's
body
 is structured is different from the way
women
's
body
 is built. And
therefore
,some
jobs
 are not gender
oppropiate
Correct your spelling
appropriate
.
Therefore
 there are multiple and different
jobs
 for both genders.
Such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
a teacher or a nurse for
women
. And a doctor
or
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
an engineer or even a construction worker.
That is
 the
first
 opinion and you may agree or disagree with it,but there are a lot of
people
 that support it.
On the other hand
,some
people
 believe that
jobs
 should be the same for everyone. And that there is no
different
Replace the word
difference
show examples
 between
women
's
body
 composition and men's
body
 composition.
Overall
,they consider the
first
 view insult
an
Correct your spelling
and
show examples
 reduce the value of
women
. So that the
women
 can work in any field. In the end,
this
 point of view has
began
Change the verb form
begun
show examples
 to spread in recent years because of the feminist movement.
Finally
,I think that both opinions may have some truth,
while
 they may
also
 be wrong. But I think that the
first
 opinion is more correct and more logical. So I prefer the
first
 one. Some
people
 may disagree with me but I accept all opinions.
Submitted by moh.alholimie on

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task achievement
In the introduction, briefly state your main argument or stance, so the reader knows what to expect from the essay.
task achievement
Use specific examples to illustrate your points. For example, mention specific jobs and explain why they are perceived to be gender-specific.
task achievement
Work on providing a stronger conclusion that summarizes your main points and clearly restates your stance on the topic.
coherence cohesion
Organize your points more logically. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and transitions smoothly to the next.
coherence cohesion
Provide more elaboration and explanation for each point you make to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses the given prompt and discusses both viewpoints.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay includes an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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