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Writing Samples
Band 7

The bar charts bellow show the percentages of men and women in employment in three countries in 2005 and 2015.

The bar charts bellow show the percentages of men and women in employment in three countries in 2005 and 2015.
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The bar charts compare the percentages of
men
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 and
women
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 in
employment
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 in
Canada
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, South
Korea
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 and Sweden between 2005 and 2015.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 the highest
employment
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rate
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 was in Sweden
overall
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 the lowest
employment
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rate
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 was in
Canada
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.
Overall
Linking Words
, males had the highest
employment
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rate
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,
while
Linking Words
 females had the lowest.
Employment
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rates
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 were about the same across countries and
gender
Fix the agreement mistake
genders
show examples
Use synonyms
both
Change preposition
in both
show examples
years
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. Sweden had the highest
employment
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rate
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 among
men
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 and
women
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overall
Linking Words
; more than 70% of Swedish
men
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 were employed and more than 45% of Swedish
women
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 were employed
both
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years
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.
By contrast
Linking Words
,
Canada
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 had lower
employment
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rates
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; in 2005, 35% of
women
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 and 61% of
men
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 were employed. In 2015, 55% of
women
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 and 75% of
men
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 were employed. South
Korea
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,
on the other hand
Linking Words
, had high
employment
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rates
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 for
men
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, about 75% in
both
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years
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, and low
employment
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rates
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 for
women
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, about 30-35% in
both
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years
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. In every country in 2005 and 2015,
men
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 had higher percentages of
employment
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 than
women
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, sometimes more than a 42% difference, which was seen in South
Korea
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 in 2005. The percentages were closer in
Canada
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 in 2015, where 55% of
women
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 worked and 70% of
men
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 (only a 15% difference). The percentage of working
women
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 across all countries was slightly higher in 2015 than in 2005, from 32% of working
women
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 in South
Korea
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 to 52% of working
women
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 in
Canada
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.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, employment, canada, korea, rate, rates, both, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentages" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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