IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #society #factors #influence #behaviour
Nowadays there are countless TV channels that can be accessed
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 a glance. Some of them have graphical figures that might have damaging effects on
people
, especially children.
In addition
, some video games,
also
 have these bad consequences. Some argue that they should be restricted.
However
, others disagree with that idea. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will outline both views.
Firstly
, children are the most influenced proportion of
people
, because they learn so fast.
Hence
,
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 some points, they might act like those actors in the movie or in computer games.
For instance
, if they watch a
super hero
Correct your spelling
superhero
show examples
 movie, they will try to imitate them. Some claim that it is a pivotal state in
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
show examples
 of learning in toddlers and there are some researches that prove
this
 fact. These
influenced
Replace the word
influences
show examples
 might affect the future
society
Change preposition
of society
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 because these children will grow up
create
Wrong verb form
creating
show examples
 that.
On the other hand
, some
people
 believe these effects can be neglected and it does not have any significant influence.
For example
, they have the tendency to watch a crime scene on TV that
have been
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 occurred in their city
due to
 their belief. Apart from the contents, gaining information has been always a proper thing to do, they said. All in all, we can not apply a unique
prescribe
Replace the word
prescription
show examples
 to all
people
. It depends mostly on circumstances
people
 may have faced in their lives. I think illustrating violations in TV or computer games will have unexpected effects on future society and parents should address
this
 issue with their insightful minds.
Submitted by aneizehbaz on

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task achievement
Work on providing more specific examples to support your points. For instance, cite studies or expert opinions that relate to the impact of media on behavior.
task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph clearly supports your central argument and provides a balanced view. Avoid making broad statements that need further clarification or evidence.
coherence cohesion
Structure paragraphs to build your argument smoothly from introduction to conclusion. Consider transitioning between points more clearly to enhance the flow of the essay.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction effectively sets the context by stating the debate on the influence of media violence on society.
complete response
The essay includes a clear point of view in the conclusion, offering a personal stance on the topic after weighing both sides.
clear comprehensive ideas
The essay addresses both perspectives on the issue, showing an understanding of differing views.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
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