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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major university in 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major university in 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The bar graph illustrates the proportion of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major university in 2012.
Overall
Linking Words
, after analyzing the graph it is clearly apparent that the highest percentage of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 in
engineering
Add an article
the engineering
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 field.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
females
Use synonyms
 are more active in
education
Add an article
the education
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 sector.  On the one hand, in the engineering
sector
Add a comma
sector,
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 more than 82%
Change preposition
of male
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male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
are
Wrong verb form
were
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interest
Wrong verb form
interested
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 in 2012.
However
Linking Words
, the
least
Correct word choice
lowest
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 number of boys were involved in education which is just nearly 22%. Apparently,
medicine
Replace the word
the medical
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 field had almost equal percentages of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 at 45%. Meanwhile, business and science faculties have equal
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 at 68%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, most
females
Use synonyms
 were active in
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 faculty almost 48%.
Consequently
Linking Words
, in
law
Add a comma
law,
show examples
 the
Use synonyms
females
Change to a genitive case
female's
females'
show examples
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
 stood exactly 40%.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the least engagement of
females
Use synonyms
 is clearly seen in
engineering
Correct article usage
the engineering
show examples
 part.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,
art
Change preposition
in art
show examples
, Science and business approximately 58%, 39% and 37%% respectively female are active in these sectors.

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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 77%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words females with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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