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Writing Samples
Band 4

The pie charts below present the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The pie charts below present the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#sales #sectors #zealand #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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Graphs
ilustrate
Correct your spelling
illustrate
rate
Correct article usage
the rate
show examples
 of online
sales
Use synonyms
 for 4 different retail sectors in New Zeeland between 2003 and 2013. It is evident that in 2003 the (most popular) highest percentage of online
sales
Use synonyms
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
travel
Use synonyms
 and the Least
relevent
Correct your spelling
relevant
 was books. But after 10 years
period
Add a comma
period,
show examples
 it
changes
Wrong verb form
changed
show examples
 from
travel
Use synonyms
 to film
music
Use synonyms
 of
biggest
Correct article usage
the biggest
show examples
 part of
chart
Add an article
the chart
show examples
,
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
show examples
 the lowest became to
be
Change the verb form
be clothed
be clothing
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clothes
Use synonyms
. In the diagram of 2003
travel
Use synonyms
 online
sales
Use synonyms
 used to be 36%, but it had
significant
Correct article usage
a significant
show examples
 decline to 29%0 in 2013.
While
Linking Words
 the
clothes
Use synonyms
 saw) As
a
Remove the article
travel
a journey
a trip
show examples
travel
Use synonyms
,
clothes
Use synonyms
 was roughly 25% at the start in 2003,
although
Linking Words
it
Change the pronoun
its
show examples
 experience
drop
Change the verb form
drops
show examples
 to 16% at the over 10 years.
Whereas
Linking Words
 both books and film/
music
Use synonyms
 have started
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
at 19% and 21%, respectively. these trends were
fallowed
Correct your spelling
followed
show examples
 by rapid increase. Books
rised
Correct your spelling
rose
 up to 22%.
While
Linking Words
 film and
music
Use synonyms
 percentage of online
sales
Use synonyms
 climbed
for
Change preposition
by
show examples
 33 % becoming
main
Add an article
the main
a main
show examples
 part of online
sales
Use synonyms
 for retail sectors. In conclusion , all the retail sectors changed through 10 year period the
sales
Use synonyms
 of
travel
Use synonyms
 and
clothes
Use synonyms
slide
Wrong verb form
slid
show examples
 away ,
while
Linking Words
book
Fix the agreement mistake
books
show examples
along with
Linking Words
 films /
music
Use synonyms
 grew.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sales, travel, music, clothes with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "changes" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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