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Band 3

The charts detail the proportion of Australian secondary school graduates who were unemployed, employed or further education in 1980, 1990, and 2000.

#detail #proportion #australian #school #graduates #education
The pie charts compare the proportion of
Australian
 secondary
school
 graduates who were unemployed, employed or
further
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in further
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education
 from 1980 to 2000.
Overall
, the proportion of
Australian
 secondary
school
 graduates who were unemployed
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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increased
while
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 were unemployed and
further
Change preposition
in further
show examples
education
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
decreased over the period shown.
Remarkable
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Remarkably
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, mostly those who graduated from secondary
school
 were employed. Looking at the information in more detail, we can see that in 1980 half of
students
Correct article usage
the students
show examples
 living in
Australian
Correct your spelling
Australia
show examples
 continued
futher
Correct your spelling
further
education
 after graduating from secondary
school
, followed by
employee
Correct article usage
the employee
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 rate, with 40%,
while
Add an article
the unemployed
show examples
unemployed
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unemployment
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 rate was the lowest,
with
Change preposition
at
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 10%. After ten years, 50% of students living in
Australian
Correct your spelling
Australia
show examples
 were employed after leaving secondary
school
,
was
Correct pronoun usage
which was
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 the highest, the second highest was
further
education
, and the least was unemployed.
In
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At
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 the end of
period
Add an article
the period
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, the proportion of
Australian
 secondary
school
 graduates who were employed still increased to ahead, with 55%, followed by
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 were
further
education
Replace the word
educated
show examples
 and unemployed, with 37% and 8%, respectively.
Submitted by writingeilts on

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task response
Work on improving the clarity and accuracy of the descriptions. Ensure that you clearly differentiate between the proportions of graduates in each category across the years.
task response
Make sure to clearly define whether you are discussing trends, comparisons between years, or details for each year in your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use cohesive devices more effectively to link ideas between sentences and paragraphs. This will make your essay flow more smoothly and logically.
introduction
You have provided a clear introduction that outlines the topic and data source, which helps set up the context for your analysis.
task response
The essay includes relevant details and figures from the charts, showing an understanding of the data.
task response
The overall trends are correctly identified and explained, particularly the increase in employment among the graduates.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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