The charts detail the proportion of Australian secondary school graduates who were unemployed, employed or further education in 1980, 1990, and 2000.

The pie charts compare the proportion of
Australian
secondary
school
graduates who were unemployed, employed or
further
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in further
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education
from 1980 to 2000.
Overall
, the proportion of
Australian
secondary
school
graduates who were unemployed
was
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apply
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increased
while
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
were unemployed and
further
Change preposition
in further
show examples
education
were
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apply
show examples
decreased over the period shown.
Remarkable
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Remarkably
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, mostly those who graduated from secondary
school
were employed. Looking at the information in more detail, we can see that in 1980 half of
students
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the students
show examples
living in
Australian
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Australia
show examples
continued
futher
Correct your spelling
further
education
after graduating from secondary
school
, followed by
employee
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the employee
show examples
rate, with 40%,
while
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the unemployed
show examples
unemployed
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unemployment
show examples
rate was the lowest,
with
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at
show examples
10%. After ten years, 50% of students living in
Australian
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Australia
show examples
were employed after leaving secondary
school
,
was
Correct pronoun usage
which was
show examples
the highest, the second highest was
further
education
, and the least was unemployed.
In
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At
show examples
the end of
period
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the period
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, the proportion of
Australian
secondary
school
graduates who were employed still increased to ahead, with 55%, followed by
who
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those who
show examples
were
further
education
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educated
show examples
and unemployed, with 37% and 8%, respectively.
Submitted by writingeilts on

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task response
Work on improving the clarity and accuracy of the descriptions. Ensure that you clearly differentiate between the proportions of graduates in each category across the years.
task response
Make sure to clearly define whether you are discussing trends, comparisons between years, or details for each year in your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use cohesive devices more effectively to link ideas between sentences and paragraphs. This will make your essay flow more smoothly and logically.
introduction
You have provided a clear introduction that outlines the topic and data source, which helps set up the context for your analysis.
task response
The essay includes relevant details and figures from the charts, showing an understanding of the data.
task response
The overall trends are correctly identified and explained, particularly the increase in employment among the graduates.

Fully explain your ideas

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    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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