IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

How the Unemployment spent their time (UK, last year)

#unemployment #time #uk #year
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The table below gives information about unemployment
Men
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 and
Women
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 spend their
time
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 in the UK
Overall
Linking Words
. There are given information in 2 different
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time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
show examples
, morning and afternoon for both
Men
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 and
Women
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, The highest
spend
Replace the word
spent
show examples
activity
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 was housework and the lowest one was Drinking for both morning, afternoon
Men
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 and
Women
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 Among the 49% unemployed morning
women
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 spend their
time
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by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
doing housework
activity
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,
however
Linking Words
 only 19% of morning
men
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 spend their
time
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 on
this
Linking Words
activity
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,
following
Wrong verb form
followed
show examples
 by shopping morning
men
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was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 20% and morning
women
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was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 26%, and
then
Linking Words
 on Job hunting, 22% was
Men
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,
furthermore
Linking Words
 16% was
women
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, on visiting friends and relatives on morning
men
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 was only 6%
then
Linking Words
 on
women
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 10%,
along with
Linking Words
 in Playing sports Male was 4%
Women
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 was 1%,in a drinking Male
in addition
Linking Words
 2% and female 1%
However
Linking Words
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 Afternoon side, on housework 7%
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
Male
Fix the agreement mistake
Males
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,
Linking Words
moreover
Add a comma
moreover,
show examples
 21%
showed
Verb problem
were
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female,
therefore
Linking Words
 in shopping 9%
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
Men
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, and 17%
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
women
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, and on the Job hunting 12%
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
Men
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,
furthermore
Linking Words
 a bit higher 13% was
Women
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, on the visiting friends or relatives, Male remained with 12%
while
Linking Words
Women
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 top 17%, in the Playing sports,
Men
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 stood at 4% same as in morning
men
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,
however
Linking Words
 in
women
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 with 0%, on the
last
Linking Words
activity
Use synonyms
 in Drinking Male was 3% and
women
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 showed with 1%
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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coherence cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to include a clear conclusion at the end to summarize your findings.
task achievement
Clarify your sentences for better understanding by breaking down complex information.
task achievement
Avoid repetition to improve the reading experience and maintain reader engagement.
task achievement
Good job at identifying key trends and comparing them between men and women.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant data and examples to support the analysis.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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