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Band 3.5

The hart below gives information about the age of women in Australia when they gave birth to their first child in 1966, 1986 and 2006.

#hart #information #age #women #australia #birth #first #child
The bar graph illustrates information about the age of female in Australia when they gave life
for
Change preposition
to
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 their first child in 1966, 1986 and 2006.
Overall
, in 1966 the number of ladies who had the age range 19-24 was dramatically more than others. Absolutely different trend shown in 2006. In 1966 the
percentage
 of
women
 who
was
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were
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 over 40
is
Wrong verb form
was
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 3 %. Marginally more
proportion
 had
woman
Add an article
a woman
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 who was between 34-39 and 30-34. Almost
same
Correct article usage
the same
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percentage
 had ladies who
was
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were
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 under 19 and between 25-30 as 35%.
And the
Correct word choice
The
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leader
Fix the agreement mistake
leaders
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 of
this
 year are
women
 who
was
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were
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 between 19
-
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apply
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24
Correct word choice
and 24
show examples
 and their arrangement is slightly more than 60%. Again, the oldest
women
 in 1986 had few
proportion
Change to a plural noun
proportions
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.
While
,
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apply
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 the
percentage
 of
women
 between 30-39 and under 19
are
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is
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 around 17% and exactly 20% respectively. The leader of
this
 year is
women
 between 25-30 with half of all
arrangement
Fix the agreement mistake
arrangements
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.
Finally
, in the
last
 year there is no big
differences
Fix the agreement mistake
difference
show examples
 in the
proportion
 who over 40%. The second lowest
percentage
 of
women
 who are under 19 is marginally more than 10%.
While
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the
proportion
 of
women
 who are between 19-24 and 34-39 is around 28%. The difference
of
Change preposition
in
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proportion
 between
women
 who are 30-34 and 25-30 is approximately 7%. More precisely, their arrangement
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 45% and 38% respectively.
Submitted by bizhanalikhan6 on

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task achievement
Try to elaborate and develop the main points more comprehensively to improve clarity and relevance of your task response.
task achievement
Focus on providing specific examples and a detailed explanation that support the main trends and changes depicted in the bar graph.
coherence cohesion
Consider refining the logical flow of your essay to ensure each point seamlessly transitions to the next without confusing jumps in the timeline or data trends.
task achievement
Pay attention to the accuracy of the data references from the graph and ensure these numbers and relationships are clearly stated.
coherence cohesion
You successfully identified the main trends over the given time periods in your introduction and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure, with separate sections for the different years, which makes it easy to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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