IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays, there are a large number of coffee shops and fast-food vendors on high streets and in town centres. Why are there so many of these outlets ? what effect is this having on the society?

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Over the recent years, the eateries have seen a shift in paradigm with more
number of
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apply
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cafes and junk food stalls popping up along the streets and in central parts of the
towns
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. The primary reason for
this
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 is the westernization and urbanization of society and the effects are the increased consumerism and illnesses in the society.
The western
Correct article usage
Western
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 shows and culture have always had an impact on every young generation leading to certain trends. These days the trend is to
hang-out
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hang out
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 with your peers in a cool and aesthetic environment and
the
Correct article usage
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businesses have caught on to
this
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. With urbanization,
this
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 has drooled over to the
towns
Use synonyms
 as well.
Similarly
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,
junk-food
Correct your spelling
junk food
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 has always been a cheap, cool and lucrative preference for
the
Correct article usage
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consumers, thanks to the adverts.
Additionally
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,
the
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children are exposed to technology and social media websites like YouTube and Netflix, more than ever.
This
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 has led to the glorification of cafeterias and fast-food items.
For example
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, in developed cities like Mumbai, children are seen hanging out more often at
the
Correct article usage
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popular food chain outlets like McDonalds and posting their updates on social media.
This
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 influences other kids of similar ages residing in tier-2 cities or
towns
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, explaining the reason behind the rising popularity of
such
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 shops.
As a result
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 of
this
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 increased consumerism, the economy has definitely seen a boost.
However
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,
this
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 has led to more and more people getting obese, especially in the developed areas. High street vendors and cafeterias serve unhealthy food like burgers, pasta, pizza,etc., which are highly addictive and can lead to diseases like diabetes causing
higher
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a higher
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 risk of heart attack. In fact, the USA being the most
westernized
Capitalize word
Westernized
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 country, recorded the highest number of obese children
teenagers
Correct word choice
and teenagers
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 in 2020 and
this
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 is a major threat to their society. In conclusion, the westernization and urbanization of countries
has
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have
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 encouraged the
junk-food
Correct your spelling
food
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 and cafeteria outlets to expand in
towns
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 is having an impact on the habits and health of the citizens.

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task achievement
For a more comprehensive response, consider discussing additional factors influencing the rise of cafes and fast-food outlets, such as changing work patterns and increased disposable incomes.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical structure by ensuring clear topic sentences and smooth transitions between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The essay effectively opens with a clear introduction and concludes with a summarizing paragraph that reflects the argument presented.
task achievement
Provides relevant and specific examples, such as the reference to Mumbai and the USA, to support the points discussed.
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