Some people say that music has no practical value and should not be taught to school children. Instead, they should spend school time on useful subjects such as computing or science. Do you agree or disagree?

Musical
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
should not be
though
Correct your spelling
taught
show examples
in
school
instead
of academic subjects namely
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
or science. In my opinion, I strongly disagree with
this
statement, and the following examples will be provided in order to support my point of view. One of the most important reasons why
music
should be though in class is that it can reduce stress for children from studying in academic subjects because they can relax and enjoy
with
Correct pronoun usage
themselves with
show examples
their classmates.
For example
,
according to
the latest research conducted by Bangkok University, Thailand, it was revealed that 80% of students in high
school
in Bangkok have good grade scores because they are likely happy and joyful with
music
.
This
example shows that
music
plays a major role in
school
life. Another reason to support
this
is the fact that
music
can emphasize children’s abilities.
This
is
due to
the fact that they will be proud and show others
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their talent with
music
. To illustrate
this
, in the recent news, it has been reported that many students participating in high
school
music’s
Change noun form
music
show examples
competition
Fix the agreement mistake
competitions
show examples
called TO BE NO.1 scheme in Thailand are promoted by
organization
Fix the agreement mistake
organizations
show examples
, and they will have a chance to become
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
artist
Fix the agreement mistake
artists
show examples
in future and work for
organization
Fix the agreement mistake
organizations
show examples
a year.
This
case makes
crucial
Correct article usage
the crucial
show examples
of
music
clear. In conclusion, it is undoubtedly true that
music
is valuable in
school
because it can
make
Verb problem
cause
show examples
less stress in children and show children’s abilities with
music
.
Submitted by chachiiaom on

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task achievement
Ensure a clearer distinction between academic subjects and creative subjects like music in the introduction to strengthen the argument's foundation.
task achievement
Consider adding an additional paragraph to explore counterarguments briefly, to enhance the depth of your response.
task achievement
Avoid minor spelling and grammatical errors, such as 'though' instead of 'taught', to improve clarity.
coherence cohesion
Use more varied linking words to enhance flow between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Ensure all ideas in a paragraph support your main point before moving on to a new idea.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which makes it easy to follow.
task achievement
Relevant examples, such as the study conducted by Bangkok University and the TO BE NO.1 scheme, effectively support the main points.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the benefits of music education, such as stress reduction and enhancing children's abilities.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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