IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the percentage of people aged 23-65 in different occupations in one UK town (Ashby) and in the UK as a whole in 2008. Write at least 150 words.

The charts below show the percentage of people aged 23-65 in different occupations in one UK town (Ashby) and in the UK as a whole in 2008. Write at least 150 words.
#show #percentage #people #different #occupations #uk #town #ashby
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This
Linking Words
 pie chart depicts the percentages of
people
Use synonyms
 in the age range of 23 to 65 in various occupations in one
UK
Use synonyms
 town, which is
Ashby
Use synonyms
, and in the
UK
Use synonyms
 as
whole
Correct article usage
a whole
show examples
. These percentages
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 in 2008. It's clear from the graph that there are some
difference
Fix the agreement mistake
differences
show examples
 between the proportions of both
Ashby
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
.
According to
Linking Words
 what is shown, the personal service that
represent
Change the verb form
represents
show examples
 21% has the highest
percent
Replace the word
percentage
show examples
, it can be the reason that, as it is a small town, most of the population prefers to
work
Use synonyms
 in personal services.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
several times these small towns have
no
Correct your spelling
not
show examples
 many opportunities for jobs. On the other side, in
Use synonyms
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 working in
this
Linking Words
 type of occupation
less
Add a missing verb
are less
show examples
 than 21%, which is 17%. 
Also
Linking Words
, unemployed ones
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 insignificant value, which is 10%.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, it is
noticable
Correct your spelling
noticeable
notable
 that in
Ashby
Use synonyms
 there is a limited number of
people
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 that
work
Use synonyms
 in professional
work
Use synonyms
 and technical
work
Use synonyms
, their are
constituted
Wrong verb form
constitute
show examples
 8% and 9% respectively, both of them considered as the lowest percents in the
Ashby
Use synonyms
 occupations.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, these two occupations have considerable value in
Use synonyms
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
.
To sum up
Linking Words
, we can say that most of the community in
Ashby
Use synonyms
 works in personal services or in offices.
Additionally
Linking Words
, in the
UK
Use synonyms
 as a whole, there are a number of
people
Use synonyms
 working in technical jobs beyond those in
Ashby
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by aldanhfahd.afa on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "additionally".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words people, uk, ashby, work with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • occupational distribution
  • employment structure
  • percentages
  • overrepresented
  • underrepresented
  • demographic factors
  • educational background
  • economic implications
  • national average
  • regional variation
  • workforce composition
  • sectoral employment
  • job market dynamics
  • statistical comparison
  • trend analysis
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