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Band 5

Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. However, the governments of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas. To what extent do you agree?

#improvements #health #education #trade #development #nations #governments #responsibility #areas
These days, everywhere you turn on the TV or flick through the pages of a newspaper, you see the news about the hurdles of the undeveloped
nations
 and the rich
states
Change noun form
states'
state's
show examples
 interest in those
countries
. The question arises in our mind, how can they overcome their obstacles and what roles can developed
countries
 play there? Many people think that
through
Change preposition
apply
show examples
betterment in the
health
,
education
 and
trade
 sectors can reduce their burden.
While
 others assume that
first
Add a hyphen
first-world
show examples
world
nations
 can help them in all
this
. I completely agree with the ideas and will support my opinion in
this
 essay with examples. Commencing the first idea, it is true that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
third
Add a hyphen
third-world
show examples
world
nations
 are facing many obstacles in different departments of
health
,
education
 and
trade
. Only improvement is the key to
reduce
Wrong verb form
reducing
show examples
 their difficulties. Many areas in these
countries
 are deprived of
health
 and
education
facalities
Correct your spelling
facilities
. Each year majority of the population in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rural areas dies because of
unavailability
Correct article usage
the unavailability
show examples
 of medical facilities there,
whereas
 thousands of
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
 are out of
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
.
Lets
Replace the word
Let's
Let us
show examples
 take the example of
Afganistan
Correct your spelling
Afghanistan
. Because of the war in the region,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of the places do not have
well equipped
Add a hyphen
well-equipped
show examples
 hospitals. Even women and children are not allowed to attend the schools and universities. Because of the rational behaviour of the government and the
talibans
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Talibans
show examples
, the region is left far behind
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the other territories in the
world
.
Additionally
,
trade
 stands high in
this
 regard. These
nation
Change the determiner
nations
show examples
 do not have proper industries, even the products they produce are cheaper and have no value in the international market. Even these territories are not economically strong enough to import or export items to the other states, which results in a decline of the
nations
. The only solution presented by the experts is improvement in all these departments.
Moreover
, some researchers
also
thinks
Change the verb form
think
show examples
 that
interest
Correct article usage
the interest
show examples
 of the richer
nations
 in these
countries
 will
up lift
Correct your spelling
uplift
show examples
 them, as they are the light in the darkness for them. It is true that many advanced kingdoms like China,
US
Correct article usage
the US
show examples
 and Russia, are helping their fellow states.
For instance
, these days Pakistan is facing
crisis
Add an article
a crisis
show examples
 in
trades
Fix the agreement mistake
trade
show examples
 and China's CPEC project is a great opportunity for
pakistan
Change the capitalization
Pakistan
show examples
 to grow their import and exports, even
it
Correct word choice
if it
show examples
 will
also
rise
Correct your spelling
raise
show examples
 the economy as well.
On the other hand
, Russia is trying to provide
health
 equipment to Afganistan and
US
Correct article usage
the US
show examples
 is accepting Afgan refugees and providing them with
education
.
Hence
, it is proven that, no doubt poor
nations
 are in
hurdle
Correct article usage
a hurdle
show examples
 but if they want to make their country glorious, they will have to work on the medical,
education
 and
trade
 in their country .
Furthermore
, developed kingdoms should
also
 participate in the
world
 and should help
third
Add a hyphen
third-world
show examples
world
countries
.
Then
 and there the
world
 can become a better place to live.
Submitted by hadiyanasir73 on

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task response
Try to develop your ideas more fully, using more specific examples or detailed explanations to increase comprehension and engagement.
coherence cohesion
It's important to maintain a clear and logical progression of ideas throughout your essay. Consider using more transitional phrases to ensure smooth movement from one idea to the next.
task response
The essay addresses the key areas (health, education, trade) that are essential for the development of poorer nations, which aligns well with the task prompt.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, providing a clear standpoint and summing up the discussed points.
task response
The essay includes relevant examples, such as China's involvement in Pakistan's trade and U.S. educational support for Afghan refugees, which help to illustrate the points being made.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • underdeveloped nations
  • economic disparity
  • global cooperation
  • moral obligation
  • historical exploitation
  • interconnected world
  • economic stability
  • quality of life
  • trade relationships
  • humanitarian aid
  • capacity building
  • dependency syndrome
  • sustainable development
  • bilateral agreements
  • economic priorities
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