IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people regard video games as useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that video games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?

#people #video #games #tool #effect
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Although
Linking Words
 some refer
Use synonyms
video
Change preposition
to video
show examples
games
Use synonyms
 as practical educational
setting
Fix the agreement mistake
settings
show examples
, others, myself included, believe that these tools impact
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 adversely,
playing
Rephrase
when playing
show examples
 them, and
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 demerits far outweigh
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 merits.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the rate of violence is more likely to increase by playing some of these
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 since their contents showcase the worst
phonomena
Correct your spelling
phenomena
 and characters.
This
Linking Words
 results in changing
user's
Change noun form
user
show examples
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
,
in
Linking Words
particular
Add the comma(s)
particular,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 occurs in some children,
Correct pronoun usage
who imagining
show examples
imagining
Wrong verb form
imagine
show examples
 the features of those
games
Use synonyms
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
real life.
consequentely
Correct your spelling
consequently
, they may perpetrate a crime.
In other words
Linking Words
, they might act improperly, which may make them regret,
regarding
Change preposition
apply
show examples
whatever they did before because of the effects of these
games
Use synonyms
. To illustrate,
According to
Linking Words
 the latest news, a teenager committed a murder after playing a violent
video
Use synonyms
 game. In fact, he has killed his classmate
due to
Linking Words
 being affected by those unsuitable contents. When individuals spend their time playing
games
Use synonyms
, they waste their time, which means they can do crucial tasks
such
Linking Words
 as pursuing
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 personal growth in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of playing
viedeo
Correct your spelling
video
games
Use synonyms
overtime
Correct your spelling
over time
show examples
. To put it another way,
this
Linking Words
 activity can be time-consuming, hindering
people
Use synonyms
 from prioritizing their tasks.
Thus
Linking Words
, after long hours they realize that they run a
sendantry
Correct your spelling
sedentary
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
, and face a range of diseases, including obesity and depression.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some contend that these
games
Use synonyms
 are educational ,as some of
which
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 teach how to cook or dance, to name but a few.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, they are not as beneficial as those deeds that
people
Use synonyms
 are more active in them,
such
Linking Words
 as doing physical activities.
To conclude
Linking Words
, despite some
people
Use synonyms
 who believe playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 is
parctical
Correct your spelling
practical
practically
 in individuals' lives, I personally claim that they might have
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 influence on players which may alter their manners to commit a crime or waste their time
instead
Linking Words
 of
concentrate
Wrong verb form
concentrating
show examples
 on major tasks in their lives.
Submitted by sahar.moti1994 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure there is clear paragraphing and logical flow between ideas. Use transitions effectively to guide the reader through the argument.
Task Achievement
Expand on points made with more specific examples or evidence. This would strengthen the argument and make it more persuasive.
Task Achievement
Develop ideas more fully to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Some vocabulary mistakes are present; consider revising for precision in language use.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, setting up the argument and summarizing it effectively.
Task Achievement
The essay responds to the task by addressing both the benefits and drawbacks of video games.
Task Achievement
There is a good attempt to provide reasoning for why video games can be detrimental, supported by real-world examples.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cognitive development
  • Strategic thinking
  • Hand-eye coordination
  • Interactivity
  • Motivational
  • Educational software
  • Game-based learning
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Social interaction
  • Learning outcomes
  • Digital literacy
  • Attention span
  • Addictive behavior
  • Inappropriate content
  • Health repercussions
  • Multimedia tools
  • Critical analysis
  • Virtual environments
  • User engagement
  • Psychosocial impacts
What to do next:
Look at other essays: