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Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, women are allowed to take maternity leave in the first months after babies are born. Do advantage outweigh disadvantage?

#countries #women #maternity #first #months #babies #advantage
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There seems to be a debatable issue of whether
mothers
Use synonyms
 are entitled to stay away from official duties during the initial months when
new born
Correct your spelling
newborn
show examples
 babies need
maternity
Use synonyms
 care in more nations. Letting females experience
maternity
Use synonyms
 leave provides them
an
Add the preposition
with an
show examples
 opportunity to get adapted to their new life no matter how
others
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
strongly others oppose my notion. Now, I will make the issue clear in order to arrive at the
last
Linking Words
 but not least conclusion. First and foremost, different groups of society might insist that taking
maternity
Use synonyms
break
Fix the agreement mistake
breaks
show examples
 in the first months is less likely to optimally affect
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their employers.
Nonetheless
Linking Words
, it is better to offer
mothers
Use synonyms
 some time to cope with their new roles
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 not only their private lives but
also
Linking Words
 members of society . Particularly, young
mothers
Use synonyms
 find it challenging to recover
their
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from their
show examples
 abrupt changes
of
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in
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 hormones
of
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apply
show examples
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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and take care
or
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of or
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 pamper infants at the same time. If I lay my cards on the table, they are constrained to change their minds on whether they pursue their personal careers or dedicate themselves
into
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to
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 raising their
new-born
Correct your spelling
newborn
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 babies.
In other words
Linking Words
, they sacrifice themselves to either stay up all night to have a lullaby to make their
baibies
Correct your spelling
babies
 sleep or breastfeed them no matter whether it is dawn or dusk and how
much
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apply
show examples
exhausted they feel. It is all I have explained
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
like a coin flips over two sides. When it comes to voicing my opinion, every infant in the world badly needs their
mothers
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 to raise them healthy with
breasfeeding
Correct your spelling
breastfeeding
instead
Linking Words
 of genetically-modified milk.
Moreover
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, it is scientifically proven that those who are fed
by
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apply
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breast milk are grown up with a strong immune system compared to
non-breasfeeders
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non-breastfeeders
. In case
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
employers and
authorites
Correct your spelling
authorities
 provide a sufficient amount of break for
mothers
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 to
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
bond with their newborns, they will contribute to
have
Change the verb form
having
show examples
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
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 workforce
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 constantly
develop
Correct subject-verb agreement
develops
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 their society. To cite Mongolia as an example, our government offers flexible
maternity
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 breaks but
also
Linking Words
 pays allowances for
mothers
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.
As a result
Linking Words
, women are motivated to be their best for the sake of their infants. It is the most reasonable paradigm
Last
Linking Words
 but not least conclusion, I would be
in
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apply
show examples
confident that
Use synonyms
maternity
Correct article usage
the maternity
show examples
 break could turn a new leaf
on
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for
show examples
mother
Fix the agreement mistake
mothers
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 and infants by offering flexible time
Linking Words
whereas
Correct word choice
where
show examples
mothers
Use synonyms
 are entitled to adapt
their
Change preposition
to their
show examples
 new lifestyles even if some people never feel advocative with my
point-of-view
Correct your spelling
point of view
show examples
.
Submitted by M on

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language
Try to simplify some of the language used, ensuring that the ideas are communicated more clearly and effectively.
vocabulary
Be cautious with word choices to avoid confusion, such as using 'advocative' correctly.
clarity
Consider refining your arguments to ensure they are straightforward and easily understood by the reader.
balance in argumentation
Expand the discussion slightly more on the opposing viewpoint to show a balanced perspective.
organization
You have structured your essay well, with clear introduction and conclusion sections that provide a sense of completion.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task quite thoroughly by discussing the advantages and some perceived disadvantages of maternity leave.
use of examples
You have used specific examples and factual information, such as the Mongolia example, to strengthen your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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