IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

ome people regard video games as useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that video games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?

#ome #people #video #games #tool #effect
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Had been argued, that
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 may have a negative effect on
people
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especifically
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specifically
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
teenagers and have the capability to lessen
there
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their
show examples
 school
preformance
Correct your spelling
performance
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
video
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games
Use synonyms
 can be
benaficial
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beneficial
 for them in terms of learning
foreige
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foreign
 languages. I
tatally
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totally
 agree with the first statement as most
games
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 currently can enhance the
user
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user's
show examples
intelligent
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intelligence
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 and provide him with
a
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apply
show examples
general knowledge
every
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of every
show examples
 life aspect.
Beside
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Besides
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of
Correct article usage
the of
show examples
games
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 positive aspect,
it
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they
show examples
also
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 have a negative side as
it
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they
show examples
 may cause
addiction
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 for the consumers. Young
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people
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people's
show examples
addiction
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unfortuntly
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unfortunately
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 more
prevlent
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prevalent
 currently. In my opinion, the most common cause of
this
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 phenomenon is
video
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games
Use synonyms
.Back
on
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in
show examples
 the beginning of
electronics
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the electronics
show examples
 spread
games
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was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 not available and
people
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dependent
Add a missing verb
were dependent
show examples
 on face-to-face interactions for entertainment.
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Further more
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Furthermore
show examples
,the
addiction
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 for young
people
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 was not
knowen
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known
show examples
.
However
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, after it
spreaded
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spread
show examples
 most
citizents
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citizens
 were surprised
of
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by
show examples
 the amount of dopamine that did not need any personal
interfere
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interference
show examples
.
joyfull
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joyful
 feeling generated unlimitedly was
major
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a major
the major
show examples
 matter that assessed
addiction
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 for young
people
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.
While
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people
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critizim
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criticism
about
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apply
show examples
the negative
aspect
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aspects
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 it contains,
by
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over
show examples
 time, it
shown
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showed
has shown
show examples
 a
considerble
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considerable
 amount of
people
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benefits
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benefit
show examples
 from it in terms of
educations
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education
show examples
 manner. For
examble
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example
, in the United
States
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States,
show examples
 an app
who
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that
show examples
 became essential for
education
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the education
show examples
 process nemed Kahoot. The scientists proved that using activities in
the
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apply
show examples
class
activate
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activates
show examples
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
particular sections of the brain that improve memories and focus. in conclusion,
video
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games
Use synonyms
 have
became
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become
show examples
essential
Add an article
an essential
show examples
 part of our
life
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lives
show examples
 and
govirnments
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governments
government
tries
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are trying
show examples
 to come up with
solution
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solutions
show examples
 to alter their negative effects.
However
Linking Words
, if you can modify your time and use it wisely, you can have
fortuntly
Correct your spelling
fortunately
 benefits of it.
Submitted by ameralimise3 on

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task achievement
To improve task response, ensure that your argument is consistently focused and directly addresses the prompt. For example, decide clearly whether you believe the drawbacks outweigh the benefits or vice versa, and structure your essay to reinforce this.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, work on organizing your ideas into clear paragraphs with appropriate transitions. This will help ensure your argument flows logically from one point to the next.
task achievement
To strengthen your examples and support your main points more effectively, try to include specific evidence or scenarios, ideally ones that are particularly compelling or revealing.
task achievement
The essay addresses different perspectives on the topic of video games, acknowledging both their potential benefits and drawbacks.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes an introduction and a conclusion, structuring the discussion of video games in a clear format.
coherence cohesion
The writer introduces an example to support the benefits of video games, referring to the app Kahoot and its potential role in education.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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