IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The claim that animals have “rights” has been the subject of much debate since the 1970s. Are zoos helping or hurting our animals? Should zoos be banned? Do you agree or disagree?

#animals #“rights” #debate #zoos
Since the 1970s, there has been a debate
whether
Change preposition
about whether
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animals
 as
a
Correct article usage
apply
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creature
Fix the agreement mistake
creatures
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, have their own rights. I believe that
animals
 belong to their designated habitat,
therefore
 I strongly agree that
zoos
 should stop operating in every
countries
Change to a singular noun
country
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.
Zoos
 keep
animals
 inside
of
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apply
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cages and often are
build
Wrong verb form
built
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 with
a
Remove the article
apply
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very limited space for
animals
 to move around, which
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 the opposite of nature,
such
 as
forest
Fix the agreement mistake
forests
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 or
desert
Fix the agreement mistake
deserts
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, where
animals
 are supposed to live.
Moreover
,
animals
 of a kind are often placed in one cage making it too packed for them. In
a
Correct article usage
the
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 long term,
this
 situation leads to stress and
animals
 might start attacking each other or even human beings. There are multiple cases around the world where zoo workers died after being attacked by
animals
 that have been caged for years.
As a result
,
zoos
 are not
a
Change the article
apply
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suitable for wild
animals
 because they offer unsuitable
habitat
Fix the agreement mistake
habitats
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 for
animals
 and
this
 can harm both the
animals
 and humans. On top of that, many
zoos
 are incapable of managing their
animals
 properly. Building small cages, bringing
animals
 who are not supposed to live in certain
climate
Fix the agreement mistake
climates
show examples
, dismissing regular check-ups, and starving them are the most common problems in multiple
zoos
. The prime example of animal mistreatment is Medan Zoo which is managed by the local government where multiple Sumatran tigers, which are endangered species, died
due to
 hunger in a span of one year.
Therefore
,
zoos
 which pay little attention to
animals
 should stop operating because they fail to protect particular species and it can lead to extinction. In conclusion, I agree that
animals
 deserve to have a decent life in nature because
zoos
 bring numerous disadvantages to the creatures which supposed to live in their habitat.
Submitted by ameliahanakaru01 on

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task achievement
The essay offers a clear opinion on the topic and addresses the prompt effectively, but consider adding more variety in sentence structure to enhance readability and engagement.
task achievement
Ensure all points are supported with specific examples or data to strengthen the argument. There might be more room to bring in additional concrete examples or factual information.
coherence cohesion
Check for small grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement, to improve the overall clarity of your writing.
coherence cohesion
Use more transition words to enhance the flow between different points and paragraphs.
task achievement
The essay effectively presents a clear opinion and maintains it throughout, which is crucial for a strong task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-framed and provide a strong opening and closure to the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Captivity
  • Conservation
  • Endangered species
  • Biodiversity
  • Ethical treatment
  • Habitat loss
  • Poaching
  • Breeding programs
  • Exhibition
  • Enrichment activities
  • Naturalistic settings
  • Rehabilitation
  • Wildlife reserves
  • Sanctuaries
  • Educational opportunities
What to do next:
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