In some countries an increasing number of children are overweight as a result of eating too much fast food. It is necessary for governments to ban selling this kind of food in schools. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
An increasing number of
children
Use synonyms
in some countries are obese because of consuming too much fast
food
Use synonyms
. Some people argue that the government should ban selling fast
food
Use synonyms
in
schools
Use synonyms
. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
viewpoint because it will reduce the intake of fast
food
Use synonyms
among
children
Use synonyms
in
schools
Use synonyms
, and
children
Use synonyms
will find
out
Change preposition
apply
show examples
alternative healthy
food
Use synonyms
options. The government should ban selling fast
food
Use synonyms
in
schools
Use synonyms
because it will help to minimize
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fast
food
Use synonyms
consumption by
children
Use synonyms
in
schools
Use synonyms
. If
schools
Use synonyms
do not sell fast
food
Use synonyms
,
children
Use synonyms
will not have access
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
those foods, and it will be beneficial for their health.
Consequently
Linking Words
, obesity and other kinds of diseases will not affect
children
Use synonyms
anymore.
For example
Linking Words
, in Canada,
schools
Use synonyms
have banned selling fast
food
Use synonyms
items, and it has reduced the chances of suffering from obesity
up
Change preposition
by up
show examples
to 65%.
Moreover
Linking Words
, if the government stop selling fast
food
Use synonyms
items in
schools
Use synonyms
,
children
Use synonyms
will find
out
Change preposition
apply
show examples
alternative
food
Use synonyms
options. They will try other healthy
food
Use synonyms
options, and it will be good for their health. To add to it,
children
Use synonyms
will be interested in having homemade
meals
Use synonyms
in their school lunch. Having homemade healthy
meals
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
of fast
food
Use synonyms
will help to reduce the risks of obesity and other serious diseases.
Fo
Correct your spelling
For
show examples
rexample
Correct your spelling
example
, in
Bagladesh
Correct your spelling
Bangladesh
, all public
schools
Use synonyms
encourage
children
Use synonyms
to have healthy homemade
meals
Use synonyms
in their lunch, and it has enhanced the immune systems of
children
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I agree with the viewpoint that
schools
Use synonyms
should ban selling fast
food
Use synonyms
. It will reduce the fast
food
Use synonyms
consumption by
children
Use synonyms
. If fast
food
Use synonyms
is banned,
children
Use synonyms
will consume alternative healthy homemade
meals
Use synonyms
in their lunch.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure the essay presents a balanced approach by introducing a concession or addressing potential counterarguments about banning fast food.
coherence cohesion
Carefully proofread your essay to catch small typos like 'Fo rexample' and 'is banned'.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for a compelling discussion by clearly stating your position.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples, such as those from Canada and Bangladesh, which add credibility to your argument.
logical structure
The essay maintains logical cohesion with a clear progression of ideas from beginning to end.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: