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Band 5.5

Nowadays, more people move away from their friends and families for work. Do advantages outweigh the disadvantages? You should write at least 250 words.

#people #move #friends #families #work
In today's society,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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most
of
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apply
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people
 choose. to live foster from their families and friends for work. I strongly believe that working far from our safety zone would obtain
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
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 and outweigh the drawbacks for several reasons. On one hand, the first argument is moving to a new place far from our family and peers encourages the individual to have a life full of responsibility and curiosity.
While
 living near the family,
people
 have their full support on their mental health and financial support, which they have a place to escape when they have a problem with their
job
.
However
,
in contrast
, when relocating for a better
job
 opportunity,
people
 have to solve their problems and depend on themselves.
As a result
, most
people
 who live abroad and alone have a strong mentality and can deal with numerous types of
people
's personalities and issues. Based on Psychologist research,
people
 who live alone have abilities to connect and adapt to every type of personality, so they have a great chance to develop their careers faster
On the other hand
, another essential benefit of working far from home is that there are more
job
 opportunities and better income. In urban society, a big city offers better
job
 options,
such
 as engineering, IT, and chef. Meanwhile, in a most small city, there is no huge variety of jobs for today's generation.
For example
, in today's situation, most young employees in Asia choose to move and start new careers and learn a new skill to work in Australia because they offer a big salary. In conclusion, working far from our families and friends might have a negative effect
for
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on
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 us, but I strongly believe the benefits should outweigh the disadvantages. Living foster families advocate for us to have
strong
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a strong
show examples
 personality and encourage us to have a better
job
.
Submitted by yannn on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to clearly define the main points in each paragraph, ensuring that each idea is fully developed.
Task Response
Try to avoid small grammatical errors like subject-verb agreement and awkward phrasing.
Task Achievement
Provide more detailed examples to support your arguments, if possible.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, framing the arguments well.
Task Achievement
You addressed the topic directly and provided a balanced view of the advantages and disadvantages.
Task Achievement
The ideas presented are relevant and logical, showing good understanding of the topic.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • career advancement
  • job opportunities
  • job market
  • salaries
  • personal growth
  • cultural horizons
  • adaptability
  • resilience
  • global perspective
  • emotional and psychological impact
  • loved ones
  • loneliness
  • homesickness
  • support network
  • long-distance relationships
  • emotional strain
  • face-to-face interactions
  • financial cost
  • housing deposits
  • travel costs
  • living expenses
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