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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and making relevant comparisons.

The bar chart shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and making relevant comparisons.
#bar #people #five #work #region #australia #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The bar chart
showed
Wrong verb form
shows
show examples
 that from 2001 to 2008 there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 an increase or a decrease
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 various types of
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 including sales, accounting, computing, nursing and farming. Among other types of
work
Use synonyms
, sales always become the most
Use synonyms
job
Correct word choice
common job
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 in Australia. There are about more than 150.000 and 160.000 persons in 2001 and 2008, respectively. There are slight
increasement
Correct your spelling
increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 who
work
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
job
Use synonyms
.
Less
Change the quantifier
Fewer
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Add a verb
people are
people were
show examples
 interested
to
Change preposition
in working
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 on Farming between 2001 to 2008. there are only 20.000 persons or less.
This
Linking Words
 may be
due to
Linking Words
lowest
Add an article
the lowest
show examples
 amount of money that they can earn from
this
Linking Words
job
Use synonyms
 compared with others. Computing and Nursing share the same trend of
Correct article usage
the numbers
show examples
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 who
worked
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
 in these
jobs
Use synonyms
. More
people
Use synonyms
 seem to be more interested
to
Change preposition
in working
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 in these
jobs
Use synonyms
 in 2008 than in 2001.
this
Linking Words
 was shown by a slight
increasement
Correct your spelling
increase
 in
bar
Add an article
a bar
the bar
show examples
 chart. Among other
jobs
Use synonyms
, accounting
tend
Change the verb form
tends
show examples
 to be
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
 stable in the number of
people
Use synonyms
 who worked in
this
Linking Words
job
Use synonyms
 between 2001 to 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, the bar chart exhibits various types of
jobs
Use synonyms
 in Australia in 2001 and 2008.
Submitted by putri on

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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words work, job, people, jobs with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "numbers of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 2 times.
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