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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last decade. What are the causes of this disturbing trend and how can the problem be reduced?

It is certainly true that the percentage of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 in
western
Capitalize word
Western
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society
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 has increased by almost 20% in the
last
Linking Words
 decade.
This
Linking Words
 fact represents a serious health problem for our new generations. I would say that processed
food
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 and the lack of physical activity are two important causes. Reducing
this
Linking Words
 disturbing trend would require measures taken by
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
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 in the
food
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 industry and the involvement of the families
on
Change preposition
apply
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in improving their
children
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’s physical
activities
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. There are several factors that have led to the growing proportion of obese
children
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. One major cause is the consumption of processed foods as a main meal, which have more calories and are poor in nutrients. Unfortunately,
society
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 promotes
fast-foods
Correct your spelling
fast foods
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 and sugar, which are easily accessible
for
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to
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children
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. There are many fast
food
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 restaurants which promote special meals for
children
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 or a healthy variety of junk
food
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, but
this
Linking Words
 doesn’t does not mean that they are not processed. Another important cause is sedentary
behavior
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behaviour
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. The use of technology leads to isolation rather than playing and doing other physical
activities
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. Many youngsters spend a lot of hours in front of
TV
Correct article usage
the TV
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 or computer and
this
Linking Words
 leads to depression and eating disorders too. Others are involved in learning
activities
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 after school so have no
time
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 for playing or doing
sport
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sports
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. In modern
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society
Add a comma
society,
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 adults have less
time
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 and energy to organize family
activities
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.
However
Linking Words
, several measures can be taken in order to reduce
this
Linking Words
 problem. First of all, the government should implement nutrition policies in
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
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 and introduce healthy snacks. An important task is working more
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 security and minimizing the level of sugar in foods. All
these
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of these
show examples
 by introducing new restrictions and taking measures. Including discussion about healthy eating in classes, helps them to improve their choices and their lifestyle. Another way to reduce obesity in
children
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are
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is
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 the actions taken by the family members. They have to replace screen
time
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 with family
time
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, organizing after-school
activities
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 and moving more as a family. Doing something they enjoy will make them get involved and repeat it.
Also
Linking Words
, many families choose to ask their
children
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 to help them at home
such
Linking Words
 as gardening, walking the dog, washing the car or cleaning the house. In
this
Linking Words
way
Add a comma
way,
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 they keep them more active.
To conclude
Linking Words
, the percentage of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 in
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 has increased by almost 20%, which leads to a disturbing trend. The main causes are processed
food
Use synonyms
 and lack of activity, which require the intervention of the authorities and the implication of the family
for resolving
Change preposition
to resolve
show examples
this
Linking Words
 important problem.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure consistency in verb forms and agreement, such as in 'which are easily accessible for children' and 'this doesn’t does not mean.' Consistency aids in clarity and coherence.
task achievement
Delve deeper into specific examples or strategies that families and authorities can employ to combat childhood obesity. This will enhance the level of detail and strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the argument and findings.
task achievement
Addresses both causes and solutions, showing a well-rounded understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow between paragraphs addressing causes and paragraphs suggesting solutions demonstrates effective structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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