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Band 5.5

Some think that people should not change th9eir jobs while others think they should because it brings advantages for themselves, the company and society. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#think #people #change #eir #jobs #company #society
It is argued that by changing jobs,
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals can bring benefit to themselves and the
company
 as it provides new
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
 and continuation. Meanwhile, it
also
 has its own issues
such
 as its stress and time
constraint
Fix the agreement mistake
constraints
show examples
. Personally, I see the advantage may exceed the detrimental aspects. The
proponents
Fix the agreement mistake
proponent
show examples
 of moving to
another jobs
Replace the adjective
another job
other jobs
show examples
 is the opportunity. By finding a new position, an employee could find what he is looking for. Since the
covid
Correct your spelling
COVID-19
 pandemic, a lot of
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
show examples
 generation attempted to find an occupation with remote working
feature
Fix the agreement mistake
features
show examples
.
Furthermore
, corporations enjoy when they have new
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 since it provides talent continuation. In Japan, as the country is well known with its
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 population,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
corporations
fond
Add a missing verb
are fond
show examples
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 new talent that could ensure the
company
's stability.
On the other hand
, by having a new job, an individual may have to learn what
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 required
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 her and
this
 process is not easy. It is found that many people
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 handle the pressure as they do not have enough energy and resources to understand the needs of the
company
.
This
 situation may be mitigated through better induction for the new talent.
Moreover
, a
company
 may not have the time to develop the new worker, which could bring negative aspects, one of them
is
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 a bad product. The
company
 may have to
adapt
Correct your spelling
adopt
show examples
 a new strategy in order to bring out the best
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the new employee. In conclusion,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
changing jobs,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will bring several positive effects of creating a new opportunity and
ensure
Wrong verb form
ensuring
show examples
 a
company
's future. Despite its bad side effects from the stress and time
constraint
Fix the agreement mistake
constraints
show examples
, I believe through proper mitigation, the
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
show examples
 will outweigh
this negative aspects
Change the determiner
this negative aspect
these negative aspects
show examples
.
Submitted by auliahakim0001 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Clarify any argumentative points that seem vague or unclear. Ensure each paragraph clearly supports the overall argument.
Task Achievement
Address counter-arguments in a more detailed manner, acknowledging possible drawbacks. This will show depth of understanding.
Introduction and Conclusion
Consider strengthening your introduction and conclusion by summarizing key points more emphatically. Make sure they are clearly linked to main ideas.
Task Achievement
You've covered the main points effectively, discussing both sides of the argument about changing jobs.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear logical flow, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Task Achievement
You used relevant examples, such as the situation in Japan, to illustrate your points effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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