Too much emphasis is given for the education of students. More government money should be spent on free time activities for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree

It is argued that
education
fees for students lead
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
spendings
Fix the agreement mistake
spending
show examples
of the
government
,
who
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
should prioritize the investment in leisure
activities
for young people.
This
essay disagrees with that suggestion because schooling is far more important than entertainment.
Education
is a necessary part of human being development. A citizen with no
education
and with a weak level of schooling
can’t
be more beneficial for society than someone who is an expert in entertainment.
However
, the term “
education
” has to be
well defined
Add a hyphen
well-defined
show examples
. Indeed, materials taught at school don’t only involve knowledge
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
science or literature, but
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
also
provides
Correct subject-verb agreement
provide
show examples
a strong awareness
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
the way of life and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
respect
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other, qualities that are essential for anyone and, that
can’t
be learnt on a soccer pitch or on a theatre scene.
For instance
, a majority of professional football players become ruined after the end of their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
because of the lack of
education
they are featuring. These
lasts
Change the verb form
last
show examples
generally don’t know how to invest their money and find huge difficulties
to find
Change preposition
in finding
show examples
jobs in other sectors. It is true that extra-time
activities
like the practice of
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
or volunteering might be consequential for a balanced spirit.
However
, the
principle
Correct your spelling
principal
show examples
aim of
government
is to bring up reliable citizens with an upvalue for the whole community. The point is that politics
can’t
be involved in every aspect of someone’s life. There is a fundamental structure provided by the country for its
habitants
Correct your spelling
inhabitants
show examples
like
education
and health care infrastructures.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
can’t
get involved in everything though.
Furthermore
, extra
activities
are allowed and encouraged at public schools,
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
show examples
associations and
sport’s
Change noun form
sports
show examples
practice.
For example
, high schools and universities are distinguished by their official
sport’s
Change noun form
sports
show examples
team
Fix the agreement mistake
teams
show examples
and numerous tournaments are regularly organized. In conclusion,
Government
Correct article usage
the Government
show examples
should give
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
priority to the improvement of public
education
. In fact, a powerful country goes inescapably through
well educated
Add a hyphen
well-educated
show examples
people.
Nevertheless
, training at school
also
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
a certain knowledge in art, sport and
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
plenty of other extra
activities
.
Submitted by namoisma on

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task achievement
Work on refining your thesis statement to clearly indicate your stance and outline the main points you will discuss.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and flows logically to the next.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points to enhance clarity and comprehensiveness.
task achievement
Double check for language precision to eliminate any possible confusion for the reader.
introduction conclusion present
You present a clear introduction and conclusion, framing your argument effectively.
logical structure
The essay is logically structured, with each paragraph focusing on a specific point.
supported main points
Your arguments are well supported by general examples, contributing to the task response.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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