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Writing Samples
Band 6

The graphs below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four counthies in 1970 and 2000. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

The graphs below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four counthies in 1970 and 2000. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant
#graphs #show #percentage #men #women #four #counthies #information #features #comparisons
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The bar graph
provides
Verb problem
shows
show examples
 the
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 employed in four countries over 30 year period starting in 1970.
Overall
Linking Words
 it can be seen that the percentage of
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 who were employed in four countries like Belgium, USA, Japan and
Austrila
Correct your spelling
Australia
,
whereas
Linking Words
 the percentages of aged 60-64 in
employement
Correct your spelling
employment
 by
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
.
Further
Linking Words
,
men
Use synonyms
 were employed for age was consistently the highest in 1970, and
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the
women
Use synonyms
 were always the lowest but
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 countries
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased. Looking at the crop data in more detail
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the percentage of
men
Use synonyms
 aged 60-64 in
empolyment
Correct your spelling
employment
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 about 79% and
women
Use synonyms
 were
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 lowest
19
Change preposition
at 19
show examples
% in 1970 and 2000 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Belgium
while
Linking Words
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 USA,
this
Linking Words
number
Use synonyms
 had increased to about 73% and 55 in 1990 and 2000, By
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Japan, the
number
Use synonyms
 had
grew
Change the verb form
grown
show examples
 up to about 85% and 74% which were the highest employment.
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
employed in
Austraila
Correct your spelling
Australia
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
decrased
Correct your spelling
decreased
 from 76% and 47%
in
Change preposition
between
show examples
 1970 and 2000. Turning to the remaining data sets,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of
women
Use synonyms
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
employed in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Belgium
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
lowest
Change the article
the lowest
show examples
 percentage from 8% to 7%
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 1970 to 2000.
This
Linking Words
number
Use synonyms
 gradually climbed to about 36% in 1970, and 39% in 2000 in the USA,
whereas
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Japan
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
slightly increased to about 43% in 1970,
dropped
Correct word choice
and dropped
show examples
 to 40% in 2000.
Women
Use synonyms
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
employed in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Austrila
Correct your spelling
Australia
 fell from 16% in 1970 to 18% in 2000.
Submitted by shahinhasan5615 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "it is clear that, whereas".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, number with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 5 times.
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