IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of the society. Others, however, believe that schools are the best places to learn this. Discuss both these views.

#people #parents #children #members #society #schools #places
Nowadays, some parents see that teaching their own child a way to become a member of society is better,
instead
 of doing so in school. The current flow of the social movement supports diversity, which often includes homeschooling.
This
 current trend powers the group of home school supporters to raise their voices.
To begin
 with, concept of the diversity often includes LGBTQ; some of the people who are diagnosed with mental diseases are not exceptional. The rising acceptance of
this
 topic has been creating an easier process for these people to excuse themselves from not participating in an ordered society.
For example
, some of the
kids
 who are dealing with mental illness have special courses in school activities or even more, when going out to the adult world.
This
 fact
creates
Verb problem
causes
show examples
 the majority of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
parents dealing with
this
 type of problem to have reasons to avoid letting their
kids
 into harsh reality:
instead
 keeping them in their safe house.
On the other hand
, challenging their
kids
 to fight and train for endurance is
also
 a great way to protect their
kids
.
Moreover
, the fact is that their parents do not live forever; the time for these
kids
 to live by themselves will come soon or later. Even more,
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
only some mental illnesses, may be cured by
kids
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 overcome
Submitted by dokmally2 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay touches upon the main ideas related to the topic, but it would benefit from a clearer structure. Adding a clear introduction and conclusion would help your reader understand your position more easily.
task achievement
Some ideas in the essay are not fully developed and could use more elaboration. Try to expand on your points with more specific examples and evidence to support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly connects to the main topic, and transitions between ideas are smooth. This will enhance the flow and coherence of your essay.
task achievement
You included relevant points regarding the diversity movement and its impact on education, which addresses current trends in society.
coherence cohesion
You demonstrate a thoughtful approach to the issue, showing understanding of both sides of the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: