IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and their families. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience.

#countries #people #work #move #friends #families #development
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Nowadays, many people talk about the correlation between getting a
job
 and their engagement with
friends
 and
families
. People are curious if
this
 correlation
gives
Verb problem
has
show examples
 a positive or negative impact on the result. In
this
 essay,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 want to explain my point of view toward
this
 concern. As we all know , finding a
job
 is essential for every single person in the world. We need to focus on finding a proper
job
 that has the same major as our qualifications.
Friends
 and
families
 become an external factor to claim
this
 achievement. In my opinion,
this
 external factor can become a knife with two eyes.
It's depends
Change the verb form
It depends
show examples
 on how we can optimize
this
 relationship. I agree
if
Correct word choice
that
show examples
this
 condition will give us many advantages ,as long as we have
positive
Add an article
a positive
show examples
 environment with our
friends
 and
families
. So very important to choose
friends
 with good support for our career.
Families
also
 will give us more help if they support our future with commitment.
On the other hand
 , close relationships with
friends
 and
families
 can become a giant rock which close
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
road
Add an article
the road
show examples
 to achieving a successful career. how can
this
 happen? Too many hanging out with
friends
 will make us focus on finding a
job
. The worst scenario , we can destroy our future if we have the wrong
friends
 with bad behaviour.
Families
 sometimes give us trouble and reduce our focus on their family problems. So , We can take advantage of being close to our
friends
 and
families
while
 finding of
job
 period as long as we are smart about choosing good
friends
 with
positive
Add an article
a positive
show examples
 vibe. And
also
 gives an early understanding to
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 how important to find a
job
. I think our family will fully support us.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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coherence cohesion
To improve your coherence and cohesion, consider organizing your essay with clearer paragraphing, ensuring each paragraph addresses a specific point. Additionally, strengthen your conclusion by summarizing the main points made in the essay more explicitly.
task achievement
Enhance task achievement by supporting your ideas with more specific examples and details. This will help provide a more comprehensive response to the prompt.
task achievement
Your essay attempts to address both advantages and disadvantages, showing understanding of the prompt.
task achievement
You reflect on a balanced perspective about the role of friends and family, which shows a mature understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • relocation
  • employment prospects
  • professional development
  • cultural exposure
  • isolation
  • familial relationships
  • cost of living
  • career progression
  • mental health
  • significant life events
  • higher salaries
  • support families
  • broaden horizons
  • living standards
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