IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some think that the government has the responsibility to solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #children #think #government #responsibility
It is a contentious issue whether politicians should take accountability for the obesity problem.
According to
this
 theory, there should be some rules set by public institutions that prevent unhealthy lifestyles. In
this
 essay, I will elaborate on
this
 subject and explain why I strongly disagree with the above statement.
To begin
 with, in many countries, children are becoming overweight.
Nevertheless
, it is the
parents'
Correct your spelling
parent's
show examples
 role to take care of their diet. Because many neglect consequences, they give highly processed food to their toddlers. We should pay attention to individuals and enterprises rather than government to solve
this
 issue.
For instance
, illustrate various negative effects caused by regular consumption of those products in the same way as cigarette boxes show.
Moreover
, some people say that prices of good quality food are too expensive for them. I concur that it is not necessarily the reason. If they buy basic products
such
 as carrots and apples, the bill will not be expensive.
Therefore
, it is very much possible to purchase groceries healthy and cheaply if we spend enough time to analyze
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
To conclude
, education and marketing are key to
help
Wrong verb form
helping
show examples
 people change their lifestyles. Not only families
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 companies are responsible for a tough situation. We should improve the knowledge of families but
also
 force companies to show the cons of their products.
Submitted by Aga on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the essay maintains a consistent argument. While the essay argues against government responsibility, it suggests roles for companies, which might need clearer separation from government roles to avoid confusion.
task achievement
Consider including a counter-argument or acknowledging different perspectives. This can give more depth to the essay and enhance the task response score.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to back up claims regarding the affordability of healthy food and potential corporate responsibilities.
coherence cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion that support the position taken in the essay.
coherence cohesion
Paragraphs are logically structured and ideas are generally well-connected, contributing to a clear flow of information.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt clearly and comprehensively, providing a complete response to the question.
task achievement
The writer uses straightforward yet effective language to communicate complex ideas, which is a strength in maintaining clarity.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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