IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that the education system should only focus on preparing students for employment, while others believe it has other important functions. Discuss both sides and then give your own opinion.

#people #education #system #focus #students #employment #functions
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Some people believe that the
education
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system
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 should only prioritize preparing
students
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 to secure jobs
while
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 others believe that it should have other important responsibilities. I personally believe that
while
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 preparing
students
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 for the job market helps to grow necessary
skills
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 in them, the primary goal of an
education
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system
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 should prepare
students
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 to become good human beings.
Students
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 can develop several
skills
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 if the
education
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system
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prepare
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prepares
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 them for employment. Today's job market
want
Correct subject-verb agreement
wants
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skillful
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skilful
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 employees, and
therefore
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, universities focus on developing soft
skills
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 among
students
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. Those
students
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 who have soft
skills
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 have the possibility of getting jobs just after their graduation.
For example
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, many well-known universities in Australia emphasize
on
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apply
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developing communication
skills
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 among
students
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 because it is the most desirable
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skills
Fix the agreement mistake
skill
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the
Correct your spelling
that
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 employers expect from their employees.
However
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, I believe that becoming a good human is more important than developing
skills
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. The
education
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system
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 should focus on making good human beings. To do that, the
education
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system
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 should
instill
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instil
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 good human attributes in
students
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. It will help them to become good members of
society
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 and contribute to
society
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. They will become kind-hearted, empathetic, nice and welcoming.
Overall
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, it helps to develop a good nation.
For example
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, in Bangladesh, many educational institutions prioritize
practicing
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practising
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 good human attributes
by
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among
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students
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, which
encourage
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encourages
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students
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 to become interested in contributing to
society
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,
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apply
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 and working for the betterment of others.
Therefore
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, I believe that the goal of educational institutions should
making
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make
be making
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 good members of
society
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. In conclusion, I believe that
while
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 developing
skills
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 among
students
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 helps them to get jobs, making them good human beings is more desirable because it helps them to contribute to
society
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.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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task achievement
Your essay responds well to the task by discussing both sides and providing a personal opinion. However, it could be strengthened by further elaborating on the points made and by providing more detailed explanations for why education should focus on soft skills and human attributes. This will make your response more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Although your introduction and conclusion are clear, the connection between the paragraphs could be more fluid. Consider using linking words or phrases to improve the cohesion of your writing.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion that address the topic. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the discussion, which facilitates understanding.
task achievement
You have provided relevant examples, such as the example of universities in Australia focusing on communication skills and educational practices in Bangladesh. These help to illustrate your points and support your arguments effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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