Some parents are worried about increasing levels of violence in TV,Video games and other entertainments for Children's leisure. how does this affects the children? how do you think this can be tackled?
These days, parents are worried about the increasing level of
violence
on TV
, video
games
and other forms of entertainments
for Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
children
. I believe that violence
has a harmful effect on the behaviours
and thoughts of children
. To solve this
problem, children
should get alternative sources of entertainment which will be appropriate for their ages
and suitable for their development
.
Violence
on TV
programs and video
games
negetively
affects the thoughts of Correct your spelling
negatively
children
. Violence
portrayed on Add an article
The violence
TV
and video
Change preposition
in video
games
directly effects
the minds of Replace the word
affects
children
. It creates a negative mindsets
Correct the article-noun agreement
mindset
on
them and restricts them Change preposition
in
to think
positively. Change preposition
from thinking
Moreover
, this
violence
effects
Replace the word
affects
children
's behaviours
as well. They try to mimic those violence
activities and it reflects on their Replace the word
violent
behaviours
. For example
, in 2029, a 13-years-old
child in IndiaCorrect your spelling
13-year-old
,
watched a Remove the comma
apply
TV
show named "Crime Petrol" which portrayed violence
. After watching violence
, that child attempted to murder his younger sister with a knife.
To solve this
problem, children
should be provided with alternative recreational sources which are appropriate for their ages
and development
. They should get age-appropriate materials such
as books
, toys, and other stuff for entertainment. In addition
, these materials should be appropriate for their development
. The books
should have topics related to their ages
and the toys and playing materials should be safe and suitable for their development
. For example
, in Japan, children
read books
of fairy tales which are appropriate for their ages
. They are free from watching violent contents
on Fix the agreement mistake
content
TV
.
In conclusion, children
should not watch harmful TV
shows and play video
games
because they negatively affect their thoughts and behaviours
. Children
should be involved in alternative sources of entertainment such
as reading books
and playing age-appropriate games
.Submitted by rahman_rehana on
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Task Achievement
You have provided a well-written introduction with a clear thesis statement. However, try to avoid repeating similar phrases, such as 'age-appropriate,' to enhance clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
Using linking words and phrases like 'moreover' and 'in addition' strengthens your argument. Ensure each paragraph fully supports the main point to improve logical flow.
Task Achievement
Adding more examples or evidence would provide a better explanation of your points, especially in the solutions paragraph. This would strengthen your argument and help you achieve a higher score.
Coherence and Cohesion
Effective use of linking words to connect ideas smoothly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Clear structure with introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
Task Achievement
The example of the child in India effectively illustrates the argument about the impact of violent content on behavior.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite
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