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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Band 7+: The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Band 7+: The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The chart shows the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of physical exercise in men and women in Australia that has been done regularly from
ages
Use synonyms
 around 15 years old to over 65 years old in 2010, which are divided into 6 age groups.
Overall
Linking Words
, the pattern of
men
Correct article usage
the men
show examples
 category
was fluctuate
Wrong verb form
fluctuated
show examples
 in
diferrent
Correct your spelling
different
 age groups,
whereas
Linking Words
 the female pattern experienced a subtle increase. Females aged around 15 to 24 years old had the percentage of 47,7%, which only had a slight difference with
ages
Use synonyms
 of 65 and over that was 47,1% and placed as the smallest
proportion
Use synonyms
 in
women
Correct article usage
the women
show examples
 category. Meanwhile,
Use synonyms
ages
Correct article usage
the ages
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
45 to 54 had the biggest
proportion
Use synonyms
 that was 53,3 %, which only had
0,3
Correct article usage
a 0,3
show examples
 % difference with
ages
Use synonyms
 55 to 64
as
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
second place.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of male physical activity was generally lower than females. It only had 52,8% as the highest
proportion
Use synonyms
 in
ages
Use synonyms
 15 to 24,
while
Linking Words
 the average of other age groups was significantly below the women's percentages. Even though, males aged 65 and over
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
was 46,7% nearly hit the females'
proportion
Use synonyms
 in the same group. female male

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Vocabulary: Replace the words proportion, ages with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 6 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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