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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The two given charts explain the employment rate of Korean people from 1980 to 2000 according to the educational background and what types of jobs they got in the same years.

The two given charts explain the employment rate of Korean people from 1980 to 2000 according to the educational background and what types of jobs they got in the same years.
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There are two
bar
Use synonyms
 charts that display information about
job
Use synonyms
 patterns in Korea.The first
bar
Use synonyms
 chart illustrates the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of Korean
people
Use synonyms
 employed in the years 1980,1990 and 2000 consisting of three
bar
Use synonyms
 charts each year divided by educational degrees.Another
bar
Use synonyms
 chart presents the proportion of four kinds of careers
people
Use synonyms
 had categorized by educational level.
Overall
Linking Words
,it can be seen that the
overall
Linking Words
percentage
Use synonyms
 of the employment rate decreased within the periods given and a regular
job
Use synonyms
 became the most applied
job
Use synonyms
 in a higher educational
group
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,the
percentage
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 of first-degree employment had remained at the highest rate in all years with a slight decrease from just under 100% to around 90%.
Also
Linking Words
,the primary-school graduated
group
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 had a similar trend but with a dramatic drop which was from 80% of
people
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 to only half of them.
While
Linking Words
 the
percentage
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 of Korean
people
Use synonyms
 with a high school degree gradually rose from 85% to 90%. Moving on to the other
bar
Use synonyms
 chart,Clearly,the more degrees Korean
people
Use synonyms
 had,the more chance they enrolled for a regular
job
Use synonyms
,which was 70% in the first-degree
group
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whereas
Linking Words
 the other jobs
people
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 had in
this
Linking Words
group
Use synonyms
 were less than 20%.
Additionally
Linking Words
,a similar pattern can be seen in the primary-school graduate
group
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 in which a temporary
job
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 had the highest
percentage
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 of employment which was 65% and other jobs were less than 20%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,In the high-school graduate
group
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,the proportion of each career was not significantly different.
That is
Linking Words
 to say,half of the
people
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 in
this
Linking Words
group
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 had a position at a regular
job
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 followed by a temporary
job
Use synonyms
 accounting for 25%.The other two jobs were less employed occupying less than 20%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall".
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words bar, job, percentage, people, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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