IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey way carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey way carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.
#bar #results #survey #personnel #department #company #two #groups #workers #factors #work #performance #report #university #lecturer #information
The bar chart discusses the proportion of people who were affected in their work performance by different factors. At first sight, we can divide the people into two groups: the first group contains younger workers aged from 18 to 30, with the most common factor was chance for personal development,
meanwhile
Correct your spelling
while
show examples
, the second group involves older people aged from 45 to 60, with the most factor affecting their work is money.
Firstly
, the comparison in the first band. Younger workers have been affected by three main
cause
Fix the agreement mistake
causes
show examples
, which are changes
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 personal development, a relaxed working
environment
 and promotion prospects,
while
 the least factors were job security, respect from colleagues and
work
Correct article usage
the work
show examples
environment
.
Secondly
, more details of the second band.
On the other hand
, it can be seen that older individuals have been mostly affected by money, team spirit and a competent boss.
While
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
, the least
aspect
Fix the agreement mistake
aspects
show examples
 were
relaxed
Correct article usage
a relaxed
show examples
 working
environment
, job
environment
 and job security.
To sum up
, the graphic shows different activities that affected workers of different ages.
Submitted by mariajoser3 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words environment with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
▼

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!