IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey way carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey way carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.
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The bar chart discusses the proportion of people who were affected in their work performance by different factors. At first sight, we can divide the people into two groups: the first group contains younger workers aged from 18 to 30, with the most common factor was chance for personal development,
meanwhile
Correct your spelling
while
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, the second group involves older people aged from 45 to 60, with the most factor affecting their work is money.
Firstly
, the comparison in the first band. Younger workers have been affected by three main
cause
Fix the agreement mistake
causes
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, which are changes
for
Change preposition
in
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 personal development, a relaxed working
environment
 and promotion prospects,
while
 the least factors were job security, respect from colleagues and
work
Correct article usage
the work
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environment
.
Secondly
, more details of the second band.
On the other hand
, it can be seen that older individuals have been mostly affected by money, team spirit and a competent boss.
While
Correct word choice
apply
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, the least
aspect
Fix the agreement mistake
aspects
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 were
relaxed
Correct article usage
a relaxed
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 working
environment
, job
environment
 and job security.
To sum up
, the graphic shows different activities that affected workers of different ages.
Submitted by mariajoser3 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words environment with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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