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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The chart below shows the percentage of a drug company’s total sales, by region, from 2002 to 2006.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below shows the percentage of a drug company’s total sales, by region, from 2002 to 2006.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#percentage #drug #company’s #sales #region #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The bar chart illustrates the percentage of a drug company's total
sales
Use synonyms
 by region between 2002 and 2006. Generally, the
sales
Use synonyms
 growth trends in
three
Correct article usage
the three
show examples
 regions are different.
Sales
Use synonyms
 in
America
Use synonyms
 first increased and
then
Linking Words
 decreased,
while
Linking Words
that is
Linking Words
 in
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 opposite direction in
Europe
Use synonyms
Europe
Use synonyms
. In Asia, it
is tend
Change the verb form
tends
show examples
 to
be continue
Change the verb form
continue
show examples
 to rise
until
Change preposition
to
show examples
 40
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
America
Use synonyms
 has the highest level of the beginning
sales
Use synonyms
 point among
three
Correct article usage
the three
show examples
.
Firstly
Linking Words
sales
Use synonyms
 there declined
until
Change preposition
to
show examples
 27
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
,
then
Linking Words
 it
goes
Wrong verb form
went
show examples
 up
till
Change preposition
to
show examples
 30
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 2006. Because of the growth of
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 two regions,
America
Use synonyms
 cannot always have the highest positions.
Europe
Use synonyms
 is growing in
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 opposite way, compared to what
America
Use synonyms
 has. Starting at 34
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
, it first
move
Wrong verb form
moved
show examples
 upwards to 38
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 2004,
then
Linking Words
fall
Wrong verb form
fell
show examples
8
Change preposition
to 8
show examples
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 when in 2006,
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
which
show examples
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is the same as
America
Use synonyms
does
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
. Asia is making progress all the time. Beginning with 25%,
sales
Use synonyms
 in Asia have smoothly grown to 40%, which is 10% higher than those in
Europe
Use synonyms
 and
America
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by pitaleung8 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "that is, while".
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Basic structure: Change the fifth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 70%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sales, america, europe, percent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "growth" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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