IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that time spent on television, video and computer games can be beneficial to children. Others believe this has negative effect on a children. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #time #television #video #computer #games #children #effect
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
This
 is the
age
 of
technology
age
. We know all
children
 know
technology
. They grow up with
technology
.
Technology
 same time good but sometimes negatively effective for
children
. We should be limited to
television
 or
computer
games
. If we do not limit the
child
 do not know other skills. The
child
 must know
computer
games
 or
television
 because ıf the
child
 does not know
this
 they become a stranger. Some parents never
use
technology
 and they believe it has a negative effect on
children
. I do not agree
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
 opinion because we should know
technology
 because
age
 is
technology
age
. If we do not really uncomfortable live for us. We
use
 a
phone
 for payment and we
use
 a
television
 for global communications. We should know
computer
games
 to play
a friends
Correct the article-noun agreement
friends
a friend
show examples
. Some people certainly do not
use
 and do not allow for
child
use
 a
phone
 or
television
this
 is not true. In my opinion, the
child
 knows all
technology
 things but they have a
use
 a limit.
For example
, the
child
 only uses a
phone
 or
computer
games
 for only one hour a day. If they do not have enough time and they want to a lot of time the
phone
 or
computer
 automatically closes. In
this
situation
Add a comma
situation,
show examples
 the
child
knows
Add the particle
knows to
show examples
use
technology
 and they do not have negative effects. The parents
use
 a
phone
 or
computer
 and they
use
 allow the
child
 to for a limited.
Children
 should benefit from
technology
 in a way that allows the
children
 to develop.
Submitted by kubrairmak287 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

language
Improve sentence structures to enhance readability. Rephrase sentences to make them more grammatically correct and engaging.
task achievement
Include more specific examples or studies to support your ideas and make your arguments more persuasive.
coherence and cohesion
Organize your paragraphs logically, ensuring that each paragraph focuses on a single idea or point. This will help readers follow your argument easily.
coherence and cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the discussion well.
task achievement
The writer expresses a clear opinion supported by some reasoning, contributing to task achievement.
task achievement
Attempts to balance both viewpoints are made, which shows an understanding of the topic's complexity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: