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Writing Samples
Band 6

The graphs below show the percentage of graduates that got full-time jobs after graduating from a university in Australia, from 2004 to 2012.

The graphs below show the percentage of graduates that got full-time jobs after graduating from a university in Australia, from 2004 to 2012.
The line graph illustrates the percentages of full-time workers who
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
graduated from
math
Use synonyms
 and other fields, and
table
Correct article usage
the table
show examples
 compares the average
income’s
Change noun form
incomes
show examples
 between
math
Use synonyms
graduates
Use synonyms
 and other
graduates
Use synonyms
between
Change preposition
over
show examples
 five
years
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 in the first
year
Add a comma
year,
show examples
 the amount of
math
Use synonyms
graduates
Use synonyms
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 more than other’s,
while
Linking Words
between
Change preposition
in
show examples
 other
years
Use synonyms
 they
raised
Verb problem
rose
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
, the average salary of
graduates
Use synonyms
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 growing over the given
years
Use synonyms
. In 2004, 80% of
math
Use synonyms
 students in universities found a full-time job and
this
Linking Words
 percentage
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
continued until reached the
pick
Correct your spelling
peak
show examples
 in 2008 with around 85% and
then
Linking Words
start
Wrong verb form
started
show examples
 to
increased
Change the form of the verb
increase
show examples
around
Change preposition
to around
show examples
 78% in 2012.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, only 65% of other
graduates
Use synonyms
 could find a job in 2004, but in 2006 the amount of other
graduates
Use synonyms
were has
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 a high percentage (just under 90%).
However
Linking Words
, in
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 three
Use synonyms
years
Add a comma
years,
show examples
 it
was
Verb problem
has
show examples
falling
Wrong verb form
fallen
show examples
 down up to 65% in
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 year. The
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of salaries, in the first two allocated
Use synonyms
years
Add the comma(s)
years,
show examples
 were
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
 from 2008
math
Use synonyms
graduates
Use synonyms
 receive higher salaries than others.
For instance
Linking Words
,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
last
Linking Words
 year they got 56000$
while
Linking Words
 other
graduates
Use synonyms
 took 51000$.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last, while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words math, graduates, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • graduate employment rate
  • full-time employment
  • university graduates
  • job market
  • economic factors
  • industry demand
  • financial crisis
  • employment trends
  • technological advancements
  • graduate employability
  • career services
  • fields of study
  • job market requirements
  • industries
  • resilient
  • vulnerable
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