IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

You want to start your own small business. Write a letter to a bank requesting information about obtaining a business loan to finance your new company. In your letter, include the following information: 1) what kind of business you want to start 2) how much money you need 3)the length of time over which you would expect to repay the money. Write at least 150 words. You do NOT need to write any addresses

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Good Morning  My name is KBC. I'm writing
this
Linking Words
 letter to
Correct article usage
the scotiabank
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scotiabank
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Scotiabank
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 manager regarding the loan. I want to start my
business
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about
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in
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 fast food. But
i
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I
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 have not enough
money
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 to start my
business
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. Everybody knows the demand
of
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for
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 fast food is
raising
Correct your spelling
rising
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 day by day.
Due to
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this
Linking Words
reason
Add a comma
reason,
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i
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I
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 want to start my
business
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.  For the
business
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, I already know to start any
business
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 people need
a
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apply
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money
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. But
this
Linking Words
 time, I
have
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did have
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 not sufficient
money
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 to raise the
business
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. So I'm going to request you please give me $25000 of
loan
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the loan
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. I will show you
credit
Correct pronoun usage
my credit
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 history and
i
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I
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 will return your
money
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 at the proper time which you provide me
limited
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with limited
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 time
however
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i
Change the capitalization
I
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 need a
2 year
Add a hyphen
2-year
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 period to back your
money
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 and
i
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I
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 will return
you
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to you
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 every month $500 with
the
Correct article usage
apply
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interest . I'm waiting for your response!
Your
Correct the word
Yours
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 Sincerely KBC

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coherence cohesion
Your letter could be improved by organizing it more effectively. Consider breaking down your paragraphs to focus on introducing yourself and the purpose of the business, explaining the financial aspect, and then describing your repayment plan.
task achievement
Try to maintain a formal tone throughout your letter. Instead of saying "I'm waiting for your response!", you could say, "I look forward to your response at your earliest convenience." Additionally, address the recipient with a formal title, e.g., "Dear Manager."
task achievement
You've clearly communicated the purpose of the loan and how you plan to repay it.
task achievement
Including specific details such as the amount needed and the repayment plan adds credibility to your request.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • business loan
  • finance
  • capital
  • entrepreneur
  • startup
  • investment
  • repayment period
  • repayment schedule
  • principal amount
  • interest rate
  • financial assistance
  • business plan
  • profit potential
  • market analysis
  • industry opportunities
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