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Band 4.5

Some people think that governments should ensure that their people stay healthy, others think it is the responsibility of the individuals. Discuss both sides of the argument and provide your opinion.

#people #governments #responsibility #individuals #argument
It is often thought that
governments
 are responsible for their citizens'
health
;
in contrast
, others do not agree with
this
 concept. In my opinion, it is the responsibility of both society and authorities in order to reach
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 well-being state. Commencing with the first opinion, offering healthcare is the government's responsibility by giving free services to citizens or paying some of the treatment costs for those who could not afford the price of curing.
Additionally
, some individuals assume that
governments
 are responsible for doing awareness (campaigns) to overcome dangerous diseases and
general
Correct word choice
that general
show examples
 hospitals belonging to
governments
 should make
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
free
check-up
Fix the agreement mistake
check-ups
show examples
 for everyone.
For example
, in 2018, some Sudanese protested and claimed that healthcare should be for every citizen without discrimination because they think the government should offer it.
While
 other people think that who does not support the previous idea,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
think that taking care of yourself is a priority, and it is our responsibility. Some people believe that
health
 services and personal expenses should not be offered by
governments
. In their perspective, extra money should be allocated for infrastructure or research rather than the
health
 system or public awareness. In conclusion, an individual's
health
 is priceless, and it is crucial to maintain public
health
 because the human is the main value, which is the basic element of development. So, some people think in order to own a
health
Replace the word
healthy
show examples
 person, should make their
health
 a priority,
while
 others think everyone is responsible for his
health
 situation.
Submitted by afnan.sa1992 on

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coherence cohesion
Provide clearer transitions between opposing opinions for better coherence.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Clarify the connection between government responsibility and individual responsibility in maintaining health.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced discussion of both viewpoints, highlighting the responsibilities of both governments and individuals.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the argument, reinforcing the importance of health.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states the topic and the writer's opinion, providing a good introduction to the discussed argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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